Category Archives: Weinberger

One of several reasons I haven’t been blogging too much

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The Bike the Drive for Chai Lifeline training has been keeping me a bit busy these days. Family, work, little league, along with general life also takes time. Of course, the truth is ,that a post such as this is being writing with only two goals in mind:
a) To let those who actually take time out to read this blog know that I’m still out there and
b) to get more sponsors for the Chai Lifeline fund raiser. The twist I have on raising funds is, as I’ve been told, rather unique. As mentioned previously, I wil actually listen to a shiur while training/ Biking the Drive in memory or as a z’chus for someone. All that YOU need to do is be willing to donate to Chail Lifeline, here, and find my name in the sponsor list. Imagine, even if you donate, say, $5.00, I will have someone in mind when I listen to a shiur. I think it’s a rather good deal.

I found out two things last week while training.
a) I’m really out of shape, but that isn’t stopping me. My wife and kids are behind me!
b) The Rav Moshe Weinberger shiur “Hamavdil Bein Kodesh L’Chol (5) The Upheaval Of Moving From Shabbos To Chol (Everyday)” available as a free download, has totally changed what I think about when I make Havdalah.

HaMakir es Mekomo, Pesach, and blogging

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Hamakir es Mekomo, knowing or recognizing one’s place is listed in Pirkei Avos (chapter 6 mishna 6) as one of the 48 ways to “acquire the Torah”.

When I first started learning, I always defined this trait as knowing when to speak up and when to keep my mouth closed. I really only thought of this concept in regard to my relationships with people. In the most simple terms, there is a time “climb into the driver’s seat” and a time to sit in the back seat, if you will. As I’ve grown in age, learned a bit more, experience things in life, and matured (well, gotten married, worked, had three kids-“matured” is really a subjective term) my working definition of Hamakir es Mekomo has changed.

My defintion of Hamakir es Mekomo is now more based on one’s location in life (including hashkafa-based, situational, and geographic). Each of us is truly where we need to be, as I’ve come to accept. The trick is to understand why were are in a given situation, relationship, or location. There have been, for sure, places where I have lived that were good for a certain time frame, and then I was directed elsewhere. The idea of “recognizing one’s place” can mean that I have an achrai’us (responsibility) to reach my potential in any given situation. While the “grass may be more haimesh” in another shul or community, Hashem really does put us where we need to be. This is not always an easy cup of coffee to drink, I admit.

Accepting a given situation as Hashgach Patis is probably the first step in recognizing that Hashem has put us in our particular ‘hakom”. This doesn’t mean that we can’t try to change our station in life (via danening or extra effort), but where we are, who we are married to, the children we have, all part of Hashem’s ultimate plan for us.

With this in mind, I have been thinking lately about the role we play at our Seder table. We are, on hand, told to feel like we are “free”. We recline, as royalty. We eat like royalty, wash like royalty, and drink like royalty. While all the foods of the seder are important, the Haggadah itself seems to center around the Arba Kosos. The mizvah of the four cups is singular in the sense that while we are required to drink them, we shouldn’t pour for ourselves. We go back and forth, like Tony Hawk on a half-pipe, between being the free person and the servant. I think that Hamakir es Mekomo, knowing one’s place fits in nicely. Each of us are, indeed free…free to chose to be an Eved Hashem.

It’s interesting to note that in the Mishna, right after Hamakir es Mekomo comes Sameach b’Chelko” – one who is happy with his portion. It seems, IMHO, that If you can’t accept that you are where you need to be and what you have been given, how can you be happy?

A few days ago was my 2nd blogaversary. Tonight I went for my pre-Pesach haircut, which was were my first posting idea started. Although my barber didn’t wax the mussar with me, he did say that I “looked better than when I came in”. He had a point.

I’ve always tried to be myself and be happy with who I am. It doesn’t matter if I’m learning the Bilvavi between alyios in my minyan on Shabbos, or cleaning for Pesach listening to Rav Weinberger’s Shabbos HaGadol drasha and then cranking up the Carelbach, Karduner, and Husker Du on iTunes, I am who I am. This blog didn’t really start out being as personal as it has become, but that’s what happened. Nor did I plan of becoming part of a “community” and actually connecting with people whom I have become friends with, that also just happened. For now, this is where Hashem whats me to be. I am thankful for having the ability to take time to actually write out ideas and things that I think about from time to time. While my posting hasn’t been as frequent as I would like recently, I thank all of you how have, for whatever reason, taken time out to read every so often.

May we have a Pesach this year that will help us discover who we are and where our priorities should be.

Speaking to future generations

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In the INSPIRED PARENTING shiurim given by R Moshe Weinberger (tape 7), I found a very meaningful eitzah in what my mindset should be when speaking with my children, especially when I might be tempted to get angry at them.

R Weinberger, based on the writings of Rav Zilberberg, says that when you get angry at your kids or have to discipline them you should try to visualize them as teens, or even adults, with children of their own. When you think about lossing your patience because you son hadn’t finished part of his homework or you daughter can’t decide exactly what she wants for breakfast remember that you are not only losing patience with a child, but with the future father or mother of your own grandchildren, and all the future generations within your family. This, to me, is a very powerful thought.

Can we even think about our own kids as bubbies and zaidies? Would we lose our cool at someone who is 60, 70, or 80 years old over something that really isn’t worth it in the end? In the heat of the moment I need to remember that before isn’t just a shayna maidel or a mentch-Yisrael, it’s the source of my family’s future.

Product placement

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Yesterday I was in a Walgreens to pick something and partake in my once a month crazy habit.
After not finding what I had hoped to find, I continued down the candy aisle. I started laughing. The aisle stared out with candy, then progressed to energy/sports bars, and finally there was shelving at the end of the aisle filled with weight-loss products. HaHaHaHa!

This is gevaldik product placement! What better way to get someone to buy a pill to curb your appetite, than to stick it right next to all the candy. It worked for me. I started thinking (for a minute) if I really even needed to be looking any candy, at all? I could use a pill to help me loose weight, or even some exercise. I suppose some people might use the same approach in chinuch in schools or at home. The “let me show you how NOT to act and then maybe you’ll decide that you really don’t WANT to go down that path” approach is often applied when people use terms like “at risk” or “the hashkafic GPS is broken” (my term for “off whatever derech”). From what I’ve read (and heard from people) a major factor in this trend is not is seeing a genuine Simchas HaChaim in people who are Torah observant.

As I left the store I started thinking about what “products” I want my children to “purchase” from me, their teachers, friends, and our community. I recall listening to Rav Moshe Weinberger’s Inspired Parenting series, (either tape 5 or 6), and hearing that our kids notice exactly when and what we are excited about. Rav Weinberger gives two examples:
1) A mother who can’t wait to go shopping with her daughter when there’s an amazing sale, yet doesn’t get excited about Yom Tom
2) A father who goes to a ball game with his son and screams and cheers the whole time, yet during davening Shabbos morning, he can barely get enough energy to say the words in the siddur

I am not against shopping or sporting events, believe me. But, the responsibility we have by having little eyes watching us is great. I see it in my own kids, in different ways. My 8 yr old, who attends shul with me on Shabbos morning, amazed me by sitting down when the man who makes Kiddush for the minyan sat down to make Kiddush for everyone. I was amazed because when I asked him about why he sat, my son told me, “because I see you sit.”
My 5 yr old, when playing with her 15 month old sister often will use the same phrases and gestures that my wife uses when interacting with the baby.
And even the baby will give kisses to her doll or try to kiss the mezuzzah, all because that is she sees. Product placement seems to be key when you have consumers living with you.

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Have a good…uh…legal holiday?

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I’m usually at a loss of what to say around Thanksgiving. Some people get offended that I tell them to, “Have a good Thanksgiving”. Others seem to be shocked that I don’t wish them a “good Thanksgiving”.

It has sort of become an either “too frum” or “not frum enough” issue. For the individual that tries to be ethically sensitive to others, it’s just plain confusing.

It’s much easier to say “Gut Shabbos Kodesh”, “Good Shabbos”, or “Shabbat Shalom” to people. There are those that I’ve said “Gut Shabbos” to and they simply reply, “Shabbat Shalom”. I make a mental note when this happens so that next week I will say, “Shabbat Shalom” to them.

I do this based on something I learned from R Moshe Weinberger on Shavuos in 2005 (or in 5768, if you were offended by me using 2005). He said that when R Shlomo Zalman Aurbach was asked to be the Me’sadar Kedushin or be asked to read a Ketubah for Sephardim he would use the Sephardic pronunciation for his Hebrew (evris or evrit, if you will).

Again, with Thanksgiving, you really don’t know which team people are on. I suppose I’ll stick to my guns and wish people I see a “good Thanksgiving”. If they don’t like it, I’m sure I’ll find out about it and make a mental note for next year.

Habits

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We all have them. Some of them are good, others are not so good. Some manifest themselves as traits, middos (tov v’ra), and personality quarks. Here are a couple of examples of habits that I’ve taken note of over the past few months:

1. We spent about a month before Rosh Hashana trying (with success in the end) to de-Crocify our son. He spent a fun filled summer wearing his Crocs almost every day. While we were happy to see him enjoying them, the downside is that once you start wearing Crocs your foot feels very confined in anything else (I will attest to this). Throughout Elul he had been wearing his new Shabbos/Yom Tov shoes around the house so that he can get use to them. At first there was great resistance. “They are not a comfortable as my Crocs”, was a common line from him. With patience and effort he successfully wore ‘regular’ shoes all Rosh Hashanah without too many complaints (only to relish in the fact that he could rock his Crocs on Yom Kippur). I realized during the month that were letting him get use to his Shabbos shoes, that some habits are easier to break with when attacking them in small doses (like slowly chiseling away at something bit by bit). This technique is used in popular Shemiras Ha’Lashon programs, where in individual makes a commitment not to speak Lashon Horah from a set amount of time.

2. Recently we stayed with my brother-in-law, his family, and their two dogs. My one year old Uberbaby daughter was not to hip to the dogs at all. For the first 5 days she could cry if a dog came near her. We debated about what to do to get her acclimated to the pets. At first we tried to get her to pet them and sit next to them. Well, she happens to be a pretty fast crawler and is becoming a confident walker, too. So we then opted to do nothing. We simply allowed her to get use to seeing us interact with the dogs and go about our business. Within, as I wrote, 5 days, her fear was gone. She would pet them and even give them her food. This approach of breaking a habit by watching others set an example happens to be one of the most effective middos management tools used both in chinuch and more importantly, in the home.

3. I do a lot of our grocery shopping. Usually, I’ll pick up non-food items at one store and then get actual food at one of several stores in the area. Because of time constraints prior to the Yom Tovim this year I found myself doing massive shopping at one store that has both non-food, food, and extensive kosher deli/bakery/take-out as well (if you live in Chicago, the name of the store happens to rhyme with the word cool) and it seemed to take forever. I was very frustrated by this. Mostly by the fact that I wasn’t so familiar with all the aisles and where certain products were. I was in the habit of not knowing my way around the store.

After Yom Kippur I was reading an article in Fast Company (one of my favorite websites and mags) about Design Thinking and I realized that I could use the concepts behind design thinking to help me with my grocery shopping issue. In brief, if you haven’t read the entire article yet, the ideas behind Design Thinking are:

  1. Define the problem
  2. Create and consider many options
  3. Refine selected directions
  4. Pick the winner, execute

Applying the steps of Design Thinking to spending less time in a particular grocery store might look like this:

  1. The problem is that I don’t know my way around
  2. My options might be that I could study a map of the store, do more shopping there, spend my lunch hour walking around the store to see where things are, or just not change a thing
  3. Doing more shopping there might help, but the learning curve will be slow. I like the idea of spending my lunch hour there. The extra exercise wouldn’t hurt me.
  4. I started walking around the store and I feel like I have a better grasp of which aisle I can find things like: plastic wrap, flour, rubbing alcohol, chullent beans, and toothpaste.

One cool thing about the first step (Define the problem) is that it really make you think. At first glance, it might seem like the problem was that grocery shopping took to long. That’s really not the problem. The problem was that I didn’t know my way around the store.
The Design Thinking approach can also help with things like anger. Why do we get angry? Usually it seems on the surface to be for different reasons. I’ll use the example that happens to me. I get upset or angry sometimes when my son doesn’t do something right away when I ask him (of course this is only a reflection of the same lacking on my own part). But that’s not the real reason I get angry. I was zoche to be in Woodmere, NY to hear Rav Moshe Weinberger’s 2005 Shabbos Shuva drasha at Aish Kodesh (totally rainy night, thunderstorms, and over 1000 people showed up). The following is based on my own notes:

Why do we scream and get angry? When we miss the train or when your wife burns the kugel. Why do you yell at your kid? You yell at your kid for not cleaning his room. For something like not looking in the zemiros book? That is what kids do. Rav Kook says the source of your anger is with yourself, because you can’t control yourself. It’s not due to the people that are trying to be good to you and love you.

In my case, the emes is that I get upset because I feel that what I ask to be done should be done right away. It’s guyvahdik, plain and simple. Rav Kook’s words seem to imply that it’s all about a lack of self control. Either we feel that we need to be in control or we simple have no control over our anger.

If anyone has any ideas about dealing with habits, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

Posting Update…

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While I can’t seem to find the time for a proper posting, I hope these links to give you something to think about:

Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva (black hat tip from BeyondBT, like, almost a year ago).

Yakov David Shulman’s translation of Bnai Machshava Tova, by the Piazeczna Rebbe z”tl is worth the download. I found it to be more of an authentic translation than the previous attempt. I’ve read both and have also learned (via teleconference) with R Weinberger’s shiurim, now available like this.

To those that come by every day to see something new, thanks for taking time to look.

Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro, zt"l

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Today, the fourth of Cheshvon is the yarzeit of the Rebbe of Piazeczna, Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro, zt”l. Sixty-three years ago he died al Kidush Hashem in Treblinka. Some of you might be familiar with this Carlebach story. Others in the New York area might be familiar with Cong. Aish Kodesh, named in memory the holy rebbe, by Rav Moshe Weinberger.

Just after the Holocaust, a construction worker found in Warsaw found a container buried underneath some rubble. In it contained three manuscripts of his writing, with instructions for them to be sent to Eretz Yisrael with the intent of publication. It is a source of strength for me to know that even in the darkest hours of his life in the Warsaw Ghetto, Harav Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro had the vision and faith that his writings would survive. Over the years, B”H, they have been printed and translated into English (which is how I am familiar with his writing).
One of his lesser know works is the English translation of the journal he kept between the spring of 1928 through the winter of 1939, titled TO HEAL THE SOUL and translated by Yehoshua Starret. I have owned a copy of it since it’s publication in 1995 and often reread it. I have found his journal to be a unique insight into the mind, heart, and life of a true tzaddik.
It’s somewhat, for lack of a better word, strange, to sit and write about someone who was nifter 27 years before I was born. Yet, I feel a loss for a generation of yidden that were taken from us, that I will never know. I can think of nothing more fitting than to post three selections from the Piazeczna’s journal on my own blog, my own digital journal.
LEAVING YOUR MARK ON THE WORLD
He who knows his place.
Be creative and contribute to the world, give it the best you have. Make a niche for yourself that will always be felt in the world.
Are not the “places” of our forefathers, the prophets, and other tzaddikim to this day not known in the world? What a void there would be in the world if, for instance, there had been no Baal Shem Tov?
So “he who knows his place”- who leaves a mark in this world with his life- his “place” will forever be know, even beyond his life. (Page 31)
A “JEWISH” HEART IS NOT ENOUGH
Many people console themselves by saying, “Well, if I am not serving God as I should and am not as refined as behooves me, at least I have good aspirations. Many times my heart cries out in the pain of my distance from him.”
But would the drowning person console himself with his desire to rescue his life and with his heart’s cry facing imminent death? What use is it if he doesn’t act to save himself and try to get out of the water? (Page 51)
SERVING GOD JUST FOR TODAY
It is much easier to devote many years to diligent learning and even to engage in maximum self-denial than it is to devote one day of your life to serve God honestly, sincerely, and properly even according to your own understanding. But who do we think we are and what great service would we do in this one day, “even according to our own understanding,” that such an undertaking seems so overwhelming?
Still, this is no cause for despair or even to be lax. On the contrary: this best service that we can do for today, this is our unique life work. And the effort we put in, together with our yearning for higher, is the aim of our life work. Let us devote these to our Creator. (Page 98)

Also check out:
http://heichalhanegina.blogspot.com/2006/10/piaseczno-rebbe-suggestology.html
http://heichalhanegina.blogspot.com/2005/11/song-of-holy-fire-piaseczno-rebbe.html
http://asimplejew.blogspot.com/2004/10/rebbe-of-warsaw-ghetto-hyd.html

Two Trees, Two Ideas

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Both of these ideas I hear from Rav Moshe Weinberger. The first idea I heard on Shavuos at his shul in 2005 (thanks to the genius of Mrs. Uberdox). The second idea he briefly touches on in his tape series on Bnei Machshava Tova.

Part I
A frum doctor once spent his vacation in Radin (home of the Chofetz Chaim). After a week of learning in yeshiva with bachrim he went to speak with the Chofetz Chaim.
The doctor said, I can’t believe how I’ve wasted my life. There’s nothing better than learning Torah. These yeshiva students I’ve seen are much closer to Hashem, than I’ll ever be.

The Chofetz Chaim responded: Which tree was closer to the center of Gan Eden: The Eitz HaChaim or the Eitz HaDaas? They were of equal distance.
The Chofetz Chaim went on to tell that doctor that by being a doctor has allowed him to help people have a refuah and he has saved countless lives. Each of us has a purpose and mission. Don’t think, said the Chofetz Chaim, that you are any further to Hashem than some of these students in Radin. We are all the same distance from Hashem, like both of the trees in Gan Eden.
Part II
Rav Weinberger says that he often asks people if they are eating from the Eitz HaChaim or from the Eitz HaDaas Tov v’Ra? He explains each of the following:

Eitz HaChaim: Is the joy of living a Jewish life and the love of being an eved Hashem. It’s the excitement we feel when we have a great davening or do chessed. It’s dancing on Simchas Torah or our tears at Ne’ilah. It’s grabbing mitzvah opportunities.

Eitz HaDaas Tov v’Ra: Is the ‘cheshboning’ that we each do for what we think are the ‘big decisions’ in our day. Should I go to shul #1 to daven or shul #2? Should I make time for a chevrusa? Should I help my wife at home? Is it really so important to give to this particular tzedakah?

When we take time time to over think and rationalize our actions we are eating from the
Eitz HaDaas Tov v’Ra.

Remember: You are what you eat! Good Shabbos Kodesh!

Before I write about Rav Yisrael’s final Midah…

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The following was recently posted on the “Daily Salanter” by Prof. Yitzchok Levine:

Rabbi Israel used to say that both the hasid and mitnagid ought to be reproved: the hasid for saying “Why do I need a book for religious study, when I have a rebbe?” The mitnagid for saying, “If I have a book for religious study, why do I need a rebbe?”

There are things that we do that we shouldn’t. There are thing that I do that I shouldn’t. There are also things that I don’t do that I should. Things that would help my neshama and my family. That is what Rav Yisrael is saying. Everyone has room for improvement, and not just during the month of Elul.

I know, for myself, that I am far from where I need to be. This was, as I’ve written previously, the impetus in blogging about Rav Yisrael’s 13 Midos. It’s my online Chesbon Hanefesh. I reread all of twelve of my midos postings tonight. The look great on my monitor. They sound great when I read them to myself. When it comes to real life application of the 13 Midos…I feel that I’m further away from where I should be after blogging about them. This isn’t a statement of false-humility. It’s just much easier to read about how I want to act, than it is to put it all into action at times. That’s probably why Rav Yisrael listed them as 13 different midos, so people could work on them one at a time instead of taking on an “all-or-nothing” attitude.

The last Midah #13 is SILENCE. If all goes well, it will be the topic of my next posting. I recently chose not exercise this midah during a conversation and ended up not looking like a mensh. I probably should have blogged about our next midah a lot sooner. The lesson I learned is that I always need to keep myself in ‘check’. I made a mistake.

I could rationalize that “we all make mistakes”, but a quick read of the second chapter of Mesillas Yesharim kills that rationalization in an instant:

THE IDEA OF WATCHFULNESS is for a man to exercise caution in his actions and his undertakings; that is, to deliberate and watch over his actions and his accustomed ways to determine whether or not they are good, so as not to abandon his soul to the danger of destruction, God forbid, and not to walk according to the promptings of habit as a blind man in pitch darkness. This is demanded by one’s intelligence…One who walks this world without considering whether his way of life is good or bad is like a blind man walking along the seashore, who is in very great danger, and whose chances of being lost are far greater than those of his being saved. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one’s eyes as an act of will and desire.

The RAMCHAL says it all. For there is no difference between natural blindness and self-inflicted blindness, the shutting of one’s eyes as an act of will and desire. I am quick to close my own eyes to the worst aspects of my own personality. I close my eyes to the inconsistencies that creep up every once in a while. While I try to be constistant with what I blog about and how I act, there are times when I mess up. There are times when I get hot-headed, stressed out, or just forget that we are all created b’tzelem Elokim. Either I notice it myself or, more often than not, Hashem sends a sheliach (messenger) to let me know.

Rav Moshe Weinberger mentions on his “Inspired Parenting” shirum that the ikar nachas (the essence of happiness) for a parent is to see their child fall and get up again. The comfort in knowing that I can bring nachas to Hashem, my father, gives me strength to get up again after I fall.

To be concluded…