Category Archives: Yom Tovim

Trying to find an outlet

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It was two days before Sukkos. It was one of those mornings. I had been up late the night before (not blogging) and had not gotten too much sleep during the night at all. My morning cup of coffee wasn’t doing the trick. Then I had a thought…music. Not just any music, but two CDs by the most powerful energetic band I had loved during my formative teenage days…Husker Du.

Husker what? Please don’t bother doing a wiki search. Husker Du is Danish board game and means “Do you remember?”. It was a popular ‘memory’ game in the sixties, so I’ve been told.

Husker Du was also the name of one of the most influential Hardcore Punk bands from the early eighties, known for powerfully emotional lyrics filtered through their musical trademark, a ‘wall of sound’.

Now, over the years I have greatly cut down the amount secular music that I listen to. I have a strong taiyvah for music, specifically the genre I came of age with between 1985-1989, Punk/Alternative. I can proudly say that 99.5% of what I listen to in a given month is Jewish Music. On long car trips when the kids are asleep, we’ll listen to some classic rock tunes (along with some more current tunes), but that’s where I try to limit it.
That morning I felt that I needed an extra musical ‘kick start’ today. I stared at the two CDs most of the day. They sat on my desk between the Rabbis’ Sons, a C. Lanzbom, and several Piamenta CDs. I looked at them, heard the music in my head, visualized the lyrics in front of me, and struggled.

OK, what’s the problem? Just play the CD!. It bothered me that I felt a ‘need’ to listen to it. This has nothing to do with halacha /hashkafa / or frumkeit. I was debating if I needed to listen to it, or if I can find stimulation elsewhere. I was (am) troubled that I felt I needed to resort to non-Jewish music to get my day going. I can see a theme here concerning outside stimulation and our retreat into a Sukkah, where we control our own stimulation. I actually blogged about it when this struggle crept its’ way into my head. You can read, if you haven’t already, about that here.

When I became frum, I found it rather easy over time to change certain aspects of my lifestyle. To stop going out on Friday nights or eating treif was never really too difficult. These were never big issues for me. These, of course, are halachic issues. While certain aspects of character development were challenging (and still are), concepts like emunah, chessed, davening make sense. The urge to make a witty remark at some else’s expense is, at times, still a struggle.

What was, and still is, not so easy for me, was to get into Jewish music. (Please note, I didn’t write “stop listening to non-Jewish music”.) The first few power cords on an electric guitar, the overpowering base, the fasth drums…these elements were missing in Jewish music when I was becoming frum. For the most part they are still missing. I have a theory about that, but we’ll save it for the comments section, if there are comments.

This issue is a constant hashkafic struggle for me and I’ll explain why.

What we eat or the parameters of what we can do on Shabbos are clearly defined within Halacha. It’s the ‘grey areas’ like music that are at times an issue. I real issue for me had nothing to do with the style of music, or the lyrics (I was always careful about lyrics).

For me this issue is that once I get a taste for the music, it’s a challenge for me to stop listening. I simply want more. When I do stop, then I’m constantly left wondering why can’t I find a Jewish version of punk? Where’s the musical energy? Where was the intesity of a punk rock show? There are some options to listen to (see my blogger profile), but not too many.

At the end of day I made a choice. I chose to indulge in 2 minutes and 38 seconds of auditory memories. I picked a song that was about not wasting time and making the most out of life. A very positive message, I think. And I was impressed that I didn’t ‘cave in’ and actually play both disks. The idea crossed my mind all day.

I was (am) plagued by fact that I felt I needed to resort to non-Jewish music to get me going, as I entered Sukkos. The first night, while sitting in my sukkah I was truly happy. It was freezing, but also great singing and listening to other families sing in the neighborhood. The block behind us has 4 or 5 frum families and each family was singing. It was like an unplugged battle of the bands!!

During the week I went to two Simchas Beis HaSho’evos, “How could I go wrong, I thought?” Live music…a singer…a drummer…an electric guitar!! It was fun, loud, but it really didn’t give me the fix I needed. Something was missing.

Enter Simchas Torah. For me, this year was great. Mostly because I enjoy dancing with my kids and seeing my wife smile and enjoy the scene I make. Going to a few different shuls on Simchas Torah is kind of like a full day music festival with different stage locations. Each shul has their own flavor of hakafos. Every one sings slightly different songs, different niggunim, and the intensity of dancing varies from place to place. Back in high school. we use to dance, ok slam dance, in a circle…just the guys. It was a feather in one’s cap if you knocked over someone. Now, when I dance with guys (like on Simchas Torah) and I bump into someone I say, “I’m sorry. I hope you’re alright”.

Memories of concerts, cassettes, and CDs (most of them sold) are replaced with other memories: Singing V’li Yerushalyim (the D’veykus version) with friends in the Old City one Motzei Shabbos, hearing Hafachta by the Diaspera Yeshiva Band for the first time, the first time I saw Yosi Piamenta play at the Knitting Factory (before they moved Downtown), watching my kids sing and dance the last time we saw everyone’s favorite uncle…Uncle Moishy.
Gone are the combat boots (still in the closet until the first snow) and on is the black Shabbos hat. I choose to prove my independence and free-thinking though Torah, Avodah, and Gelimus Chasadim, rather than with safety pins, a can of Aqua-Net, and an in-your-face aversion to authority.

A good niggun, for me, does the trick 99.5% of the time. I often sing during day and always on my way home from shul. But, it’s that other tiny .5% of the time that gets me. For me, there’s still something that I have not found in Jewish Music. I’m just waiting for the amplifier to be plugged in. I’m trying to find an outlet.

This posting was partially inspired by fellow blogger A Simple Jew and, his now, classic posting, Trapped in the Lower Levels.

Simchas Torah and Stimuli

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I, along with the entire world, am about enter the appointed time in the year when all of my physical enjoyment and love of the Torah manifests itself into one day. I mention ‘physical enjoyment’ because I believe that Shavuos is more of celebration for our physical being, guf, while Shavuos (and learning Torah) is more of a neshamah-oriented Yom Tov (of course, you do have to physically learn Torah).

So here I am. I’ll dance and sing with fellow yidden on Simchas Torah night and the next day. I can’t wait! I find that Simchas Torah recharges me and, in a way, attaches me physically to Mitzvah observance in a way that lasts the entire year.

All of the passion I have for Torah Judaism can find expression through dancing and singing. This only can happen if there is a spark within me to begin with. What if there that spark is buried too deep for me to find?

That’s alright, because, I can feed off of others’ passion. That how things work, I think. We at times create our own energy and excitement about things. At other times, we rely on various forms of outside stimuli to jump start us.

When I was single, one erev Shavous (I think it was in 1993 or 1994) I got a call and was asked to go last minute out to a small town in Westchester (New York). There was an outreach program in place there and they needed another ‘body’ to bring ruach to their Simchas Torah. I usually had spent Simchas Torah with friends, primarily in a yeshiva. I thought about it and decided, that, as a BT, being with a group of not-yet and newly-observant Jews would be a nice change and an inspiring time. It was pretty cool, I admit it.
I spent yom tov meeting people who came (almost out of the woodwork) to celebrate our continuing cycle of reading our precious Torah. This was a time when I was able be a klei (vessel) for the energy of Torah to reach others. By doing so, I also gained.

Last year, I was in Far Rockaway for Simchas Torah, at Shor Yoshuv. Words really can’t describe it. It was great. 800 people dancing for hours!! It was an experience that I (and my family) will never forget. It was a situation where I was definitely receiving outside stimulus. I felt so charged and plugged in.
As incredible as the ruach was, the real highlight for me was Hallel on Simchas Torah morning. Rabbi Shmuel Brazil davens a 45 minute Hallel (this is the emes). Then words and niggunim still echo in my head and neshamah. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. For me, it’s outside stimuli like this that I can absorb and hopefully use to stimulate myself (and others, with Hashem’s help).

It makes no difference if we are the ones motivating others or we, ourselves, need the motivation. The end result is that we all are dancing and singing with the Torah.

One quick thought. The last pasuk in the Torah states (thanks to Chabad.org):
“and all the strong hand, and all the great awe, which Moses performed before the eyes of all Israel.”
The last comment Rashi makes on Chumash is this:
before the eyes of all Israel [This expression alludes to the incident, where] His heart stirred him up to smash the tablets before their eyes, as it is said, “and I shattered them before your eyes” (Deut. 9:17). – [Sifrei 33:41] And [regarding Moses shattering the Tablets,] the Holy One Blessed is He gave His approval, as Scripture states, “[the first Tablets] which you shattered” (Exod. 34:1); [God said to Moses:] “Well done for shattering them!” – [Shab.. 87a]
Of all the things that Moshe, our teacher and leader, accomplished in his lifetime, breaking the first set of luchos was, in Hashem’s eyes, his greatest action. When all is said and done, I think, Hashem ultimately wants us to do the right thing. Even if it means going again popular opinion or starting over again from scratch and beginning anew. I always find this to be a beautiful message to think about as I listen to the end of the annual cycle of leining and start another one. Gut Yom Tov!
The artwork shown above is by Judith Yellin. The Modern Uberdox family actually owns this piece of artwork.

Pre-Sukkos Posting

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There’s a story about Menachem Mendel of Kotzk (the Kotzker) that I always think about around Sukkos. Here’s the version I know:

Once, one of his Chassidim came to see the Kotzker because this chassid was having problems with kavanah during davening (I can relate). The chassid told the Kotzker that when he davens he can’t help but think about his business, or his kids, or other thing he needs to do during the day.
The Kotzker said, just push those things out of your mind. You are in control of your thoughts, not the other way around. Things will work out. Frustrated, the man went home.

The next day a group of the Kotzker’s Chassidim came over to the man’s home and started removing all of his furniture and his belongings. “What’s going on here!” the man exclaimed. The Chassidim only told he to go see the Kotzker. Of course, this chassid ran to his Rebbe.

He said, “I don’t understand. Why did you take everything out of my house?”

The Kotzker asked him, “Who owns all of these things?”

“Why, I do”, replied the, now angry, chassid. “These are mine.”

The Kotzker told him that he was wrong. These are now mine. See how easy it is to take things from a person. If you can’t stop yourself from taking away your own kavanah during davening, then, of course, you can’t stop things like furniture from leaving your own home.

As I build my Sukkah every year I think about the fact that during the year it’s not so easy to control what comes in and leaves our homes. Media, pop culture, conversations on the school bus… you get the idea. On Sukkos we have an opportunity to control what comes in our own Sukkah, our daled amos. This is one of the reasons I love Sukkos. It’s a ‘back to basics’ Yom Tov.
It’s us, our family and friends, our Sukkah, and Hashem dwelling with us. We strip away all pretense and materialism. I could not think of a better way to really start my year off. Have a Sukkos full of simcha!

Frames: Building and Breaking

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Last night, I helped a friend put up the frame for his sukkah and then he, in turn, help me put up my sukkah frame as well. Thing went well for the first 15 minutes of me helping my friend, but then chaos occurred. In a freak accident involving myself, a nut, a bolt, and a power tool my glasses were knocked of my face and one of my lenses flew in one direction, while my glasses frames went in another direction and part of my frame broke.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m a big fan of Mitzvah Goreret Mitzvah (and I’m not talking about the Piamenta tune, which, BTW is awesome), but as was picking up the pieces of my glasses I started wondering where this was headed. Every day I daven that Hashem shows me the tov in everything. I figured that I’d help my friend and then he’d help me and that would be the end result of our involvement in terms of Mitzvah Goreret Mitzvah (Pirkei Avos 4:2). Having my glasses broken was not part of the deal.

Needless to say, without my glasses I can really only see 12 inches in front of me and it took a bit longer that estimated to put his sukkah frame together. I really had trouble seeing. I began to really appreciate the gift of sight. It was much harder that I thought it would be go without my glasses, even for an hour. I thought about birchas hashachar and the bracha of “Pokai’ach Ivrim”,
Who give sight to the blind. This bracha has new meaning for me.

After putting my friends’ sukkah frame together, we headed over to my place. My wife dug up an old pair of glasses (at least 10 years old and really not so hip) and we put together my sukkah frame. B”H, thanks to my friend, it went up pretty fast. After a few hours of searching I found a “newer” old pair of glasses I was ready for the next day.

During work, Mrs. Uberdox took my broken glasses to a local Shomer Shabbos optometrist. At lunch time my stoppedtoped by work to see me. She surprised me with my repaired and good as new glasses. When I asked her how much it cost, her reply was, “The optometrist was a real mensch. He repaired them on the spot and didn’t charge me anything.”

“One mitzvah leads to another mitzvah”, in this case it has nothing to do with my friend and I helping with each others’ sukkahs. It had everything to do with the chessed and menshlikeit that this optometrist did for me and what I, in turn, will do for someone else when the opportunity presents itself.
Blessed are You, Hashem, our God, King of the universe, Who give sight to the blind.

Skateboarding, reflecting, and Rosh Hashanah

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A few weeks ago, on Labor Day, my family met up with a few other families for a barbeque at a park in the northern suburbs of Chicago. This park has plenty of room to run, a baseball diamond, and great climbing equipment. If that wasn’t enough, this park also had, as an added bonus,a skateboard park. I couldn’t resist bring my old skateboard with me (along with my helmet, which is a must for chinuch purposes).
After eating, I decided to bring out my old skateboard. Now, I’m not a big-time skateboarder. In high school I skated a few pools, but mostly I sticked to parking lots and the street. I mastered the ollie and a few other basic moves, but now I’m happy just pushing myself around a bit. With all this said, I proceed to skate over to the park. It wasn’t too crowded. Only half a dozen real skaters. I was, for sure, the oldest one around. I was also the only guy who brought his kids. I pushed around a little and thought about going down a steep ramp. I was all hyped up to skate. I remembered the thrill, the rush, the adrenaline of going down a ramp. I use to find it exhilarating. As I stood atop a ramp, skateboard under my feet, I stopped. I also remembered seeing (and feeling) the battle wounds of skateboarding.
I got off the ramp. I couldn’t do it. I looked at the other skaters and jumped off. I choose a tiny ramp (more of a metal foothill) and went down, ending with a perfect 360 (balancing on the back wheels and spining in circle). The potenial injury from a big ramp seemed more important that recapturing my youth or looking cool to my children. What if something happened? My family couldn’t afford for me to get hurt. I have responsibilities. It just wasn’t shiach (germane or pertainent) for me. I realized that I had outgrown the thrill. I remembered the thrill of learning the first Rashi on Chumash when I was 18. Now, that was a real rush!
What was part of my youth held no real interest for me anymore. I had outgrown it. I had exercised my free will. The urge to skateboard really wasn’t a component in who I really am, or where I need to headed. I have more important responsibilites to my family, to myself, and to my creator. I was never such a great skater to begin with. I thought about what things excite me now, and how my children will model my behavior. I began to think about other behaviors and habits that have stuck with me over the years. Maybe, with Hashem’s help, I’ll be able to realize that it’s time to outgrow a few more things.
Shabbos night, later that week I attended a tish by Rabbi Michel Twerski (from Milwaukee). It was amazing! Rav Michel had beautiful things to say which helped clarify my thoughts about responsibilites and choices. I’ll share two ideas of the Rabbi’s:
1) He spoke about how important it is that we show true simcha shel mitzvah. Even if you can’t If not for for our own neshamas, then for the sake of our children. Memories of parents who loved performing mitzvos are images that will last a lifetime.
2) Rav Michel also spoke about Elul and Rosh Hashanah. Rav Michel said that usually we are concentrating on what we’ve been doing wrong all year and how to improve ourselves. The ikar (main point) might be that we need to look at all of the brachos that our creator has given us. He said that we each have talents (music, art, writing, etc.) and we need to remember that those talents are brachos from Hashem and should be regarded as such. In truth, we have a responsibiltiy to access those talents for Avodas Hashem. This is what we need to think about when we approach judgement on Rosh Hashanah.
Then I heard what Rabbi David Orlofsky said last week in Chicago, as part of an Ohr Somayach Yom Iyun (along with Rabbi Akiva Tatz and Rabbi Berel Wein). My wife was fortunate enought to attend. She came home with tapes of the event for me to listen to (thanks, Mrs. Uberdox). The following was something that Rabbi Orlofsky said that also tied into what Rav Michel had mentioned:
We often think of Rosh Hashanah as the Day of Judgement, when Hashem opens up the books of life and death. When Hashem, who knows everything will examine our deeds. There is only one reason that we have a day of judgement, because Hashem knows that we are capable of greatness. If we set the bar really low then we don’t expect that much from ourselves. Hashem says to us each Rosh Hashanah, “You are someone great. You are capable of greatness.”Tonight, thanks to the Chicago Community Kollel, I heard Rabbi Frand speak. Thanks to my wife for letting me go. The title of his drasha was “Painting your masterpiece.” His message was very similar to that of Rav Michel and Rabbi Orlofsky (do you see a theme here)…find your potential and mission in life. I took some notes and will post what he said very soon. One thing I’ll share now is that:
At Neilah the last thing we ask mehilah for is stealing? The Ger Rebbe says Hashem gave us assets and talents and if we don’t use them we’re stealing.
I hope that over the Yomin Noraim I am able to break free of my own limitations and attempt to walk a little closer to my potential using the talents that Hashem has given me.
Kesiva V’Chasima Tova and my we all have a year of bracha, shalom, and simcha!

Thoughts before Tisha B’Av

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Tehillim 145
19. He does the will of those who fear Him, and He hears their cry and saves them.
20. The Lord guards all who love Him, and He destroys all the wicked.

I, along with others, said these words last night at a community-wide event. Hundreds of people gathered in a large congregation in Chicago to daven for Eretz Yisrael. It was touching to see so many Jews together. Some with hats, some with ball caps (Cubs and Sox), some wearing shorts, some with their children. All of us as an Am Echad. The two pasukim above really hit me as I was davening. I remember last year on Tisha B’Av night saying kinos and thinking about Gush Katif, and our people leaving their homes and soldiers crying as they took citizens out of their own shuls. For all I know the soldier and the citizen are fighting together right now.
I’m worried about this year. I’m worried about people being injured and killed. Our people, my people crying and hoping Hashem hears their cry.

“Dear Hashem,

I thought I was strong and my Yetzer Tov was strong. I thought I would not give into the evils of my generation. I thought I was above being sucked into the vacuum of the Sitra Achra. I was wrong. The stronger I am, the more attached to my creator I think I am, the stronger my Yetzer Hara is. The Yetzer Hara makes me think that I’m not susceptible to being deviated from attachment to Hashem. The Yetzer Hara only has power over something I can see. I have to know when to turn away. If I stumble it means that I’m being challenged. If I am challenged that means that I have to power to get up again. This is what my creator wants. It is a war. I must not forget. When I think the enemy is weak is when I am attacked. Hashem, I love you and know that you will help me. I daven to make the Yetzer Hara my slave, for me to control it. I know that if I do not help to rebuild the Bais Hamikdash, it is as if I have destroyed it.”

This could have been said after the first or second Temples’ were destoyed. It could have been said by someone surrounded by idol worship, immorality, murder, or baseless hatred on all sides. By someone who gave into their Yetzer Hara, even if only once. It could have been said yesterday. Try as we might, we need Hashem now more than ever to protect us from our ememies. Those that surround the borders of Israel, and those that surround the borders we make for ourselves.

Victor, the janitor of a shul I use to daven in, once told me that you’ve got to have a thunderstorm before you can see a rainbow. I hope that’s the case. May our Galus end with song, dance, and victory.