Category Archives: personal

A life lesson from a Babka

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Babka. Just the word make me hungry. I love a good chocolate babka (although even the best babka doesn’t hold a havadalah candle to a Zomick’s Meltaway). Whenever we go into NYC (really LI) it’s like babkapalooza for me. Or, at the very least, a babka on Shabbos. Two Shabbosim on the Coast, means two Babkas! A third Shabbos means…you get the idea. Regular or sugar-free, it doesn’t matter as long as it’s good (and their sugar-free cinnamon babka is killer).

On a previous vacation I purchased a chocolate babka for Shabbos Kodesh. Who made babka or where I purchased it isn’t important. I was happy to have a babka! Shabbos morning after I davened, I was ready to dig in! I cut a slick, chunk, section, sliver, portion, call it what you like, made by bracha and took a bite.

GOOD NIGHT!! GEVALT! I couldn’t believe what I was tasting.

Salt.

Not an overpowering amount of salt. But the chocolate babka was a shtickel salty. I was shocked.

Then I smiled. Not everything thing home-made or bakery-made should always come out the same. It’s a fresh made babka, not some frozen babka (not that I know of any). The fact that it was a little salty only reminded me that someone made it. Life is full of mistakes. Miss-calculations do occur when measuring salt. I’ve made mistakes before. I’ve never actually sold a mistake I’ve made to anyone as a delicious treat for Shabbos Kodesh, but I’ve made mistakes.

In fact, I remember thinking, I actually appreciated the babka more, knowing that it wasn’t exactly perfect.

Sometimes the babka we eat is salty. Sometimes things do not turn out the way we’d like them to. Sometimes what we bake doesn’t turn out the way we plan it to. There’s always another babka.

My once a month crazy habit

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It’s human nature to want what we can’t have. Usually when we get what we want the value of that which we desired is diminished in our eyes. The phrase “familiarity breeds contempt” comes to mind.

Within the first week of every month, when I’m at a grocery store or drug store (preferably CVS) I look at the candy aisle. I always try to make sure that there are not other Torah observant Jews around (due to Moris Eyin issues) and pick up a package of Skittles. I quickly turn it over and look toward the end of the ingredient list to see if it has an OU and then put it back with it’s friends on the shelf.

The rumor was, ever since M&M’s got an OU in the mid 90s, that the OU would pursue certification for Skittles in the future. There are very few foods, if any, that I miss after keeping kosher almost 18 years (over half my life, which is pretty cool). I was, actually, never a big fan of Skittles. Yet I check.
I guess, as I think and write about this seemingly-trivial-issue it boils down, like a good pot of Shabbos soup, to two things:

1) Do I really miss something that, in the big scheme of things, plays no really role in my Avodas Hashem?

2) Hey, I’ve survived this long without it. That’s not too shabby.

Both of these items might become future posting material, as in my mind, they contain hashkafic concepts that I sometime forget about.

This is not a blog posting

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REVISED:

I once saw a great band t-shirt. The t-shirt said: THIS IS NOT A FUGAZI T-SHIRT. That was the whole shirt. IMHO this was a great marketing technique. It was a commercially non-commercial way to promote the band. Ironically, the t-shirt was not an official band produced shirt, as the band was totally against comercial marketing.

Ever since I’ve been reading blogs and, for sure since the inception of this blog, I’ve been impressed with those bloggers who post on a daily basis. I admire it and, at times, wish I had the diligence to do the same. Blogs (don’t feel bad if I don’t mention yours) such as A Simple Jew, Hirhurim, Emes Ve-Emunah, Serandez, Psycho Toddler, or BeyondBT serve up fresh postings on a daily basis. No only are the postings well written, but make one think and grow as a Jew. One of the keys to a successful blog is updated content, so I’ve been told.

Since Shabbos, I’ve taken a slight break from looking at blogs (with the exception of one blog yesterday) or posting on this one. It has little to do with lack of motivation to write (Baruch Hashem) and more to do with increasing my productivity outside the blogosphere.

Of course, in the next day or two, when I revert to looking at blogs, I’ll have a million posts on my google reader to go through, but that’s alright. To those that post daily…Kol Hakavod.

Postscript: The truth is that what I thought to be a cute title and post is really not so cute. To attempt to sensationalize my day to day life and spin it into something more than it is, is really norishkeit. As pointed out to me by a reader, this posting adds nothing to my own Avodas Hashem and is not in keeping with the themes and topics that I normally write about. To that reader, I say thanks!

Why I recommend saying "Good Shabbos"

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I lead, what I think of, as a pretty regular life. So when something singular happens, it’s pretty exciting for me. As common in most communities and with groups of friends, when someone has a baby people start offering to make meals for that family (in this case, my family).

Last motzei Shabbos we got a call from our friend who was coordinating meals for us. It seems that a couple wanted to do a chessed and give us a meal. The problem was that we had no clue who they were. We didn’t recognize their names nor did our kids have anyone with the same list name in their classses. Later that night we found out the wife’s maiden name, and she claimed that we were her former NCSY advisors. I still wasn’t sure who it could be. For four days I was trying to figure out who these people were. I did know someone by the wife’s maiden name, but different first name. Last night, the mystery was solved. My wife opened the door when our guest came (I was still at work) and it was all revealed…

I try to be a friendly person, so as I walk to/from shul Shabbos morning I always say “Good Shabbos” to people I see. It makes no difference if I know them or not. As it happens, in Chicago, people say “Good Shabbos” back, too.

Apparently last Shabbos I said “Good Shabbos” to this “former NCSYer” and as she told my wife, when she got down the block she realized who I was. She figured that I was in town for a chassuna. Then she was speaking to a friend and our name came up also. Then she saw a birth announcement in one of the community emails. All of this happened over Shabbos.

It turns out that she was the NCSYer I was thinking of (it’s been almost 10 years since I’ve heard her name), but she’s going by a slightly different name these days. She and her husband moved here two years ago. What a way to reconnect with someone and all from saying, “Good Shabbos”. Try saying it, you, too, might end up with a great story of hashgacha pratis.

Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro, zt"l

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Today, the fourth of Cheshvon is the yarzeit of the Rebbe of Piazeczna, Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro, zt”l. Sixty-three years ago he died al Kidush Hashem in Treblinka. Some of you might be familiar with this Carlebach story. Others in the New York area might be familiar with Cong. Aish Kodesh, named in memory the holy rebbe, by Rav Moshe Weinberger.

Just after the Holocaust, a construction worker found in Warsaw found a container buried underneath some rubble. In it contained three manuscripts of his writing, with instructions for them to be sent to Eretz Yisrael with the intent of publication. It is a source of strength for me to know that even in the darkest hours of his life in the Warsaw Ghetto, Harav Harav Kalonymous Kalman Shapiro had the vision and faith that his writings would survive. Over the years, B”H, they have been printed and translated into English (which is how I am familiar with his writing).
One of his lesser know works is the English translation of the journal he kept between the spring of 1928 through the winter of 1939, titled TO HEAL THE SOUL and translated by Yehoshua Starret. I have owned a copy of it since it’s publication in 1995 and often reread it. I have found his journal to be a unique insight into the mind, heart, and life of a true tzaddik.
It’s somewhat, for lack of a better word, strange, to sit and write about someone who was nifter 27 years before I was born. Yet, I feel a loss for a generation of yidden that were taken from us, that I will never know. I can think of nothing more fitting than to post three selections from the Piazeczna’s journal on my own blog, my own digital journal.
LEAVING YOUR MARK ON THE WORLD
He who knows his place.
Be creative and contribute to the world, give it the best you have. Make a niche for yourself that will always be felt in the world.
Are not the “places” of our forefathers, the prophets, and other tzaddikim to this day not known in the world? What a void there would be in the world if, for instance, there had been no Baal Shem Tov?
So “he who knows his place”- who leaves a mark in this world with his life- his “place” will forever be know, even beyond his life. (Page 31)
A “JEWISH” HEART IS NOT ENOUGH
Many people console themselves by saying, “Well, if I am not serving God as I should and am not as refined as behooves me, at least I have good aspirations. Many times my heart cries out in the pain of my distance from him.”
But would the drowning person console himself with his desire to rescue his life and with his heart’s cry facing imminent death? What use is it if he doesn’t act to save himself and try to get out of the water? (Page 51)
SERVING GOD JUST FOR TODAY
It is much easier to devote many years to diligent learning and even to engage in maximum self-denial than it is to devote one day of your life to serve God honestly, sincerely, and properly even according to your own understanding. But who do we think we are and what great service would we do in this one day, “even according to our own understanding,” that such an undertaking seems so overwhelming?
Still, this is no cause for despair or even to be lax. On the contrary: this best service that we can do for today, this is our unique life work. And the effort we put in, together with our yearning for higher, is the aim of our life work. Let us devote these to our Creator. (Page 98)

Also check out:
http://heichalhanegina.blogspot.com/2006/10/piaseczno-rebbe-suggestology.html
http://heichalhanegina.blogspot.com/2005/11/song-of-holy-fire-piaseczno-rebbe.html
http://asimplejew.blogspot.com/2004/10/rebbe-of-warsaw-ghetto-hyd.html

Trying to find an outlet

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It was two days before Sukkos. It was one of those mornings. I had been up late the night before (not blogging) and had not gotten too much sleep during the night at all. My morning cup of coffee wasn’t doing the trick. Then I had a thought…music. Not just any music, but two CDs by the most powerful energetic band I had loved during my formative teenage days…Husker Du.

Husker what? Please don’t bother doing a wiki search. Husker Du is Danish board game and means “Do you remember?”. It was a popular ‘memory’ game in the sixties, so I’ve been told.

Husker Du was also the name of one of the most influential Hardcore Punk bands from the early eighties, known for powerfully emotional lyrics filtered through their musical trademark, a ‘wall of sound’.

Now, over the years I have greatly cut down the amount secular music that I listen to. I have a strong taiyvah for music, specifically the genre I came of age with between 1985-1989, Punk/Alternative. I can proudly say that 99.5% of what I listen to in a given month is Jewish Music. On long car trips when the kids are asleep, we’ll listen to some classic rock tunes (along with some more current tunes), but that’s where I try to limit it.
That morning I felt that I needed an extra musical ‘kick start’ today. I stared at the two CDs most of the day. They sat on my desk between the Rabbis’ Sons, a C. Lanzbom, and several Piamenta CDs. I looked at them, heard the music in my head, visualized the lyrics in front of me, and struggled.

OK, what’s the problem? Just play the CD!. It bothered me that I felt a ‘need’ to listen to it. This has nothing to do with halacha /hashkafa / or frumkeit. I was debating if I needed to listen to it, or if I can find stimulation elsewhere. I was (am) troubled that I felt I needed to resort to non-Jewish music to get my day going. I can see a theme here concerning outside stimulation and our retreat into a Sukkah, where we control our own stimulation. I actually blogged about it when this struggle crept its’ way into my head. You can read, if you haven’t already, about that here.

When I became frum, I found it rather easy over time to change certain aspects of my lifestyle. To stop going out on Friday nights or eating treif was never really too difficult. These were never big issues for me. These, of course, are halachic issues. While certain aspects of character development were challenging (and still are), concepts like emunah, chessed, davening make sense. The urge to make a witty remark at some else’s expense is, at times, still a struggle.

What was, and still is, not so easy for me, was to get into Jewish music. (Please note, I didn’t write “stop listening to non-Jewish music”.) The first few power cords on an electric guitar, the overpowering base, the fasth drums…these elements were missing in Jewish music when I was becoming frum. For the most part they are still missing. I have a theory about that, but we’ll save it for the comments section, if there are comments.

This issue is a constant hashkafic struggle for me and I’ll explain why.

What we eat or the parameters of what we can do on Shabbos are clearly defined within Halacha. It’s the ‘grey areas’ like music that are at times an issue. I real issue for me had nothing to do with the style of music, or the lyrics (I was always careful about lyrics).

For me this issue is that once I get a taste for the music, it’s a challenge for me to stop listening. I simply want more. When I do stop, then I’m constantly left wondering why can’t I find a Jewish version of punk? Where’s the musical energy? Where was the intesity of a punk rock show? There are some options to listen to (see my blogger profile), but not too many.

At the end of day I made a choice. I chose to indulge in 2 minutes and 38 seconds of auditory memories. I picked a song that was about not wasting time and making the most out of life. A very positive message, I think. And I was impressed that I didn’t ‘cave in’ and actually play both disks. The idea crossed my mind all day.

I was (am) plagued by fact that I felt I needed to resort to non-Jewish music to get me going, as I entered Sukkos. The first night, while sitting in my sukkah I was truly happy. It was freezing, but also great singing and listening to other families sing in the neighborhood. The block behind us has 4 or 5 frum families and each family was singing. It was like an unplugged battle of the bands!!

During the week I went to two Simchas Beis HaSho’evos, “How could I go wrong, I thought?” Live music…a singer…a drummer…an electric guitar!! It was fun, loud, but it really didn’t give me the fix I needed. Something was missing.

Enter Simchas Torah. For me, this year was great. Mostly because I enjoy dancing with my kids and seeing my wife smile and enjoy the scene I make. Going to a few different shuls on Simchas Torah is kind of like a full day music festival with different stage locations. Each shul has their own flavor of hakafos. Every one sings slightly different songs, different niggunim, and the intensity of dancing varies from place to place. Back in high school. we use to dance, ok slam dance, in a circle…just the guys. It was a feather in one’s cap if you knocked over someone. Now, when I dance with guys (like on Simchas Torah) and I bump into someone I say, “I’m sorry. I hope you’re alright”.

Memories of concerts, cassettes, and CDs (most of them sold) are replaced with other memories: Singing V’li Yerushalyim (the D’veykus version) with friends in the Old City one Motzei Shabbos, hearing Hafachta by the Diaspera Yeshiva Band for the first time, the first time I saw Yosi Piamenta play at the Knitting Factory (before they moved Downtown), watching my kids sing and dance the last time we saw everyone’s favorite uncle…Uncle Moishy.
Gone are the combat boots (still in the closet until the first snow) and on is the black Shabbos hat. I choose to prove my independence and free-thinking though Torah, Avodah, and Gelimus Chasadim, rather than with safety pins, a can of Aqua-Net, and an in-your-face aversion to authority.

A good niggun, for me, does the trick 99.5% of the time. I often sing during day and always on my way home from shul. But, it’s that other tiny .5% of the time that gets me. For me, there’s still something that I have not found in Jewish Music. I’m just waiting for the amplifier to be plugged in. I’m trying to find an outlet.

This posting was partially inspired by fellow blogger A Simple Jew and, his now, classic posting, Trapped in the Lower Levels.

Simchas Torah and Stimuli

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I, along with the entire world, am about enter the appointed time in the year when all of my physical enjoyment and love of the Torah manifests itself into one day. I mention ‘physical enjoyment’ because I believe that Shavuos is more of celebration for our physical being, guf, while Shavuos (and learning Torah) is more of a neshamah-oriented Yom Tov (of course, you do have to physically learn Torah).

So here I am. I’ll dance and sing with fellow yidden on Simchas Torah night and the next day. I can’t wait! I find that Simchas Torah recharges me and, in a way, attaches me physically to Mitzvah observance in a way that lasts the entire year.

All of the passion I have for Torah Judaism can find expression through dancing and singing. This only can happen if there is a spark within me to begin with. What if there that spark is buried too deep for me to find?

That’s alright, because, I can feed off of others’ passion. That how things work, I think. We at times create our own energy and excitement about things. At other times, we rely on various forms of outside stimuli to jump start us.

When I was single, one erev Shavous (I think it was in 1993 or 1994) I got a call and was asked to go last minute out to a small town in Westchester (New York). There was an outreach program in place there and they needed another ‘body’ to bring ruach to their Simchas Torah. I usually had spent Simchas Torah with friends, primarily in a yeshiva. I thought about it and decided, that, as a BT, being with a group of not-yet and newly-observant Jews would be a nice change and an inspiring time. It was pretty cool, I admit it.
I spent yom tov meeting people who came (almost out of the woodwork) to celebrate our continuing cycle of reading our precious Torah. This was a time when I was able be a klei (vessel) for the energy of Torah to reach others. By doing so, I also gained.

Last year, I was in Far Rockaway for Simchas Torah, at Shor Yoshuv. Words really can’t describe it. It was great. 800 people dancing for hours!! It was an experience that I (and my family) will never forget. It was a situation where I was definitely receiving outside stimulus. I felt so charged and plugged in.
As incredible as the ruach was, the real highlight for me was Hallel on Simchas Torah morning. Rabbi Shmuel Brazil davens a 45 minute Hallel (this is the emes). Then words and niggunim still echo in my head and neshamah. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. For me, it’s outside stimuli like this that I can absorb and hopefully use to stimulate myself (and others, with Hashem’s help).

It makes no difference if we are the ones motivating others or we, ourselves, need the motivation. The end result is that we all are dancing and singing with the Torah.

One quick thought. The last pasuk in the Torah states (thanks to Chabad.org):
“and all the strong hand, and all the great awe, which Moses performed before the eyes of all Israel.”
The last comment Rashi makes on Chumash is this:
before the eyes of all Israel [This expression alludes to the incident, where] His heart stirred him up to smash the tablets before their eyes, as it is said, “and I shattered them before your eyes” (Deut. 9:17). – [Sifrei 33:41] And [regarding Moses shattering the Tablets,] the Holy One Blessed is He gave His approval, as Scripture states, “[the first Tablets] which you shattered” (Exod. 34:1); [God said to Moses:] “Well done for shattering them!” – [Shab.. 87a]
Of all the things that Moshe, our teacher and leader, accomplished in his lifetime, breaking the first set of luchos was, in Hashem’s eyes, his greatest action. When all is said and done, I think, Hashem ultimately wants us to do the right thing. Even if it means going again popular opinion or starting over again from scratch and beginning anew. I always find this to be a beautiful message to think about as I listen to the end of the annual cycle of leining and start another one. Gut Yom Tov!
The artwork shown above is by Judith Yellin. The Modern Uberdox family actually owns this piece of artwork.

Frumkeit, Changes, and Rav Dessler

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A recent article titled “Frum or Ehrlich” was written by Dr. Yitzchok Levine. I printed it before Rosh Hashana and over Yom Tov I probably read it four different times. I urge you to take a look at it and give it some thought. I hope to blog about it more in the future. It’s pdf-alicious (yes, this is a term that I use outside of the blogosphere). Here’s a sample:

The Difference Between Frum and Ehrlich
Years ago the highest compliment that one could give to a Jew was not that he or she is frum, but that he or she is ehrlich. The term frum is perhaps best translated as “religious.” More often than not it focuses on the external aspects of observance. It describes a person whose outward appearance and public actions apparently demonstrate a commitment to religious observance. The categorization of someone as being ehrlich, literally “honest,” implies that this person is not only committed to the externalities of
religious observance, but also is concerned about how his or her religious observance impacts upon others. Frumkeit is often primarily concerned only with the mitzvos bein odom laShem (between man and G-d), whereas ehrlichkeit, while certainly concerned with bein odom laShem, also focuses on bein odom l’odom (those mitzvos that govern inter-personal relationships.)

As I’ve read and re-read this article I’ve been thinking about my own behavior at times. During Aseres Yemei Teshuvah I’m pretty hardcore about changing a lot of things. In the end, I usually end up changing very little. What small things that I attempt to change usually end up happening after Yom Kippur. During the days before Yom Kippur and certainly afterwards we all try to be a little better. Some of us stay on target, others, like myself, fall short.

I attempt to: watch less TV, start attending a new shiur, stop staying up late for blogging-related-activites, be more productive at home, show my kids that what they have to say is of the upmost importance to me, listen to my wife more, let my kids be ‘kids’ and not prototypes for some sort of midos-management-utopian-ideal-Invasion of the Body Snatchers-chinuch manifesto that I have cooking in my head like a chulent gone bad. As I look back over the past week, I really didn’t get too far.
But with any change in myself I run the risk of appearing to some as ‘to frum’ at the possible expense of not being ‘ehrlich’. There will always be those that will point out behavioral inconstanties in our actions and say, “You think you’re frummer than everyone else” or “You didn’t act this way during Elul, why change now”. More often than not, it’s not people who say this to us, but what we tell ourselves or what our Yetzer Hara tells us.

Sefer Hachinuch says something amazing, that man is molded by his actions (found in Mitzvah #16). This means that if we chose to behave in a certain manner, even externally before internally, then we are molded into that manner or direction. This touches on the topic of metoch shelo lishmah bo lishmah (from doing something not for its own sake one comes to do the thing for its own sake)- Pesachim 50b.

Rabbi Aryeh Carmell zt’l was nifter a few days before Rosh Hashana. This hit me very hard. I never had an opportunity to meet him, but he opened my eyes, heart, mind, and neshama to the world and thought of Rav Dessler. The way he conveyed Rav Dessler’s writing was a major influence in my development and made me realize that following halacha is only one aspect of being a Torah Observant Jew. The English version of Michtav Me’Eliyahu actually discusses the topic I’m blogging about. I’ll quote directly from what Rabbi Carmell writes in Volume I page 97:
How does shelo lishmah lead to lishmah? This is by no mean obvious, nor is it always the case. Not every shelo lishmah leads to lishmah. One knows people who start learning for ulterior motives and remain with them for the rest of their lives.
Our illustrious forebear, the great and saintly Rabbi Simcha Zissel Sieff of blessed memory, used to say that the transformation can take place only if one intends right from the beginning that it shall lead to lishmah. If our main aim and ambition is to achieve a pure and unselfish mode of service to Hashem and we make use of the shelo lishmah to ease our struggle against the yetzer hara, then we stand a good chance of eventually arriving at the stage of lishmah. [But if we start off without a glimmer of lishmah, only desiring the shelo lishmah for its own sake, how can our shelo lishmah actions ever lead us to lishmah? In the spiritual life one arrive only at the destination one intended in the first place.]
It seems that what we and others might view as hypocracy or outwardly inconsistant behavior might not be so bad if we have actual goals towards avodah Hashem. Maybe changing isn’t so hard, with Hashem’s help.
POSTSCRIPT: I’ve realized after blogging for over six months that it’s unnervingly easy to share certain things about myself via my blog. Things that I would, pre-Blogger, only share with close friends. As I enter Yom Kippur I can only daven that I will be able to actualize the words of Tehillim (19:15) May the expressions of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart find favor before You, Hashem, my Rock and my Redeemer, as easily as I open up my web browser to the Blogger Dashboard.