Category Archives: personal

The middah of chillaxing and coffee

I have always looked for places to recharge, to think, to read, to relax.  Not so much because my life is so chaotic, but because I value the middah of chillaxing (which falls somewhere between yeshuv hadaas and menucha).    This is probably a leftover habit from my high school days.  I loved hanging out in used book stores and pretty much anywhere that offered bottomless cups of coffee.  After high school when I lived NYC,  I also sought outdoors/nature type locations where I could just sit for a while and think/meditate/hisbodedus (of course that can be done anywhere).  When trying to chillax, the constant was always coffee.  I inherited from my father a’h a love of good coffee and the joy of searching for off-the-beaten-derech places.  It’s the slacker in me that loves sitting with a cup of something caffeinated and a sefer.   
Speaking of coffee, I know I’m in the minority among bloggers, but the cRc’s “Starbucks beverage guidelines” have only helped me in my search for a great place to chill-out with an iced beverage.  For me, it only really means giving up iced coffee at some places and I’m fairly open to their recommendations. 

When I lived in NYC I had a close friend and we would trek all over Manhattan checking out coffee joints.  For me, places that we liked fell into one of two categories:  spots I would recommend to others and those few places that I’d keep to myself and not even take a date to until I knew that I’d marry her (for fear that if we stopped dating she would tell her friends about the coffee bar and then it would become frequented by other frum people).

My most recent search in Chicago has brought me to a cross-roads that I often think about.  Allegiance to the spirit of the independent coffee bar versus  the consistency of a corporation.  The inner post-punk in me loves the feel and look of an independent  store.  However, it only takes one bad drink to realize and appreciate the uniformity and reliability that is offered by a “chain” of big green Starbucks locations.  I am all for non-chain places, but there’s a comfort and reassuring feeling of going to a big green.  Sort of like when you enter a new shul and find a familiar siddur or chumash, you feel more at ease.    Chicago happens to fit both bills.  With some web-base hunting, I’ve found some interesting locations to grab an iced latte.  That’s the good news.  The bad news, is that a majority of the places with high reviews are not open past 8 pm.  Granted, being married with kids, if I am out past 9PM it usually means I’m grocery shopping or at minyan, but late hours is key for a coffee bar.  Chicago, being the first city outside of Seattle to have Starbucks locations, also has plenty of locations all over open until, at least, 9 PM. 

The need to spend time alone and without seeing people that I know is something that I tend to value.  Don’t get me wrong, I love people and can pretty much talk to anyone, but being by myself (with something to read) every once in a while is something that I appreciate it.   I know many people who “veg out” in front of the TV or unwind by going online (I’m guilty of this, too), but I find more of a lasting value in sitting in the shade at a park, biking, or inside somewhere drinking an iced beverage and turning pages every few minutes. 

Years ago, I dreamt of opening up a slick coffee bar (under an acceptable hechshar, of course).  It would have various sefrei machshava available for the customers, offer a retreat from the hectic daily routine, be semi-family friendly, double as a performance space, be an acceptable location for high school aged kids to hang out, be “Jewish” enough for non-orthodox Jews, but not too “Jewish”, and offer informal learning in a laid back environment.   The floor would be unfinished, there would be a minimum of one wall with exposed brick, the ceiling would have pipes and free hanging lighting, Reb Shomo playing softly over the sound system , and if you opened the front door for someone, you be paid with a “Thank you”.

Alas, I’m happy these days to find someplace with free parking and no annoying music.

The need to spend time alone and without seeing people that I know is something that I tend to value.  Don’t get me wrong, I love people and can pretty much talk to anyone, but being by myself (with something to read) every once in a while is something that I appreciate it.   I know many people who “veg out” in front of the TV or unwind by going online (I’m guilty of this, too), but I find more of a lasting value in sitting in the shade at a park, biking, or in this case,  inside somewhere drinking an iced beverage and turning pages every few minutes.  A throwback to my more carefree days, probably.  I look at it like a retreat, like Shabbos or being in a Sukkah.  A temporary recharge.

Weight Watchers and mussar

About four weeks ago I took the plunge and joined Weight Watchers.  I had joined once before, back in 2004 (when we lived in Indianapolis) and had lost twenty pounds.  Since then I had done a fairly good job of keeping fourteen of those off, but since my father a’h has passed away (just over a year and a half ago) I have put on that weight back on and finally got sick of it.  I’ve been slowly losing weight every week and have also changed what I’ve been eating, such as introducing these weird things people refer to as fruits and vegetables.   I attempt to be the kind of guy who extracts as many lessons as I can from things I experience and here are a few thoughts regarding Weight Watchers and mussar.
  • Tracking- With Weight Watchers, all food/beverages have point values (now it’s called Point Plus).  Having a written or digital record or what you eat helps you see your habits offers accountability.  As a person who as practiced the technique of Cheshbon HaNefesh (making an accounting of your soul and daily activities, struggles, and successes) on and off for almost 20 years this isn’t new to me, which is why I don’t mind “tracking” (many in Weight Watchers can’t stand tracking).  Seeing where you spend your points, what difficulties you have during the day, or even what food victories you’ve had helps give you a feeling of accomplishment.  Being able to go back and look at what was difficult in previous weeks helps you learn and focus on future goals. 
  • Everything counts- Foods and beverages have values (as mentioned above).  Water is zero points, so are pears, apples, cauliflower, carrots, etc.  I am allocated a specific number of points per day.  How I choose to gain those points, is my choice.  This has allowed me to understand that there are trade-offs.  For example, if I want to use four points, do I get more energy and nutrition from a 4 point shot of bourbon or a four point granola bar?  I haven’t given up a l’chaim after kiddush on Shabbos morning, but I understand it’s spending points and there is a trade off.  This got me thinking about mitzvos.  We are taught not to ascribe a value/reward for a mitzvah against another mitzvah, because we don’t know its value.  Conversely, when it comes to those actions that move us away from Kedusha (holiness) and our Creator we don’t know what the negative value is.  Things are not always what they seem.  A small piece of candy might have four points, while a large apples is still zero points.  The apple is, by far, a healthier choice and give one more energy.  A seemingly trivial mitzvah in our eyes might have a huge value to our creator, even it the “point value” is zero.  
  • Ratzon- I have found that being more watchful of what I eat and drink has helped me focus on what I want vs. what I need.  Just this past Monday I was in a grocery store and went through a moral battle regarding if I really wanted a piece of fried chicken.  I had already cheshboned the point value and I knew, based on what I was planning to eat for dinner, that I had the extra points available to “spend” on that perfectly crispy fried little chicken leg.  I bought it.  It sat in my car for the ride home and it’s currently in the fridge.  I didn’t need it.  I wanted it, but didn’t need it.  Had I been the better man, I wouldn’t have spent the $1.29 for it.  However, I’m realizing that it’s a choice.  This is real free will.  Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler zt’l has a whole teaching about something called the “bechira-point”, which explains that there are specific challenges that allow us to truly exercise the God-given gift of free will.  His example is in regard to observing Shabbos.  If you have been keeping the laws of Shabbos for a number of years (or your whole life) then you really have no urge to flick on a light if it’s dark in a room.  Your soul understands that this isn’t what Hashem wants you to do, so there’s really no showing of free will with this.  You might have had to struggle with this in the past, but as time moved on your bechira (free will) moved from being a choice, to being a habit.  As such, your bechira-point has moved.  I knew that my habits were changing two weeks ago, when I opted to buy an apple for a snack instead of a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup (my all time favorite candy) because the candy was 6 points and I accepted that at the time I didn’t need it.  In the sefer Da Es Nafshecha, Rabbi Itmar Shwartz  has a whole chapter on ratzon and actually give the example of the desire to eat come chicken.  As it turns out, I didn’t read this until two days my incident with the fried chicken.  
  • Getting on the scale- Every week, as part of Weight Watchers, you weigh in.  This is your official weight for the week.  Now I’ve observed that people weigh in differently.  Some take off their shoes, empty their pockets, take off eye glasses, etc.  I get it, they want to be the lightest they can be, because the scale doesn’t lie, it’s fairly final for that week.  Rabbi Akiva Tatz mentions in LIVING INSPIRED the idea (based on teaching of Rav Dessler zt’l) when you start Shabbos Kodesh and also when you are niftar (pass away) that whatever madrega (level) you are in terms of holiness and perfections is frozen during that time period.  If you are on level 6 (based on a scale of 1-10) when Shabbos starts or when you go to the next word, then that’s your level for that period.  You can’t change it.  Sort of like the weight that’s reported on the scale.  This is why it’s suggested to weigh around the same time each week.  Your weekly weight is the point of reference for either gaining or losing for the next week.
  • Influencing others- I find it fascinating that slowly, thanks to my wife, our family is adapting to my new eating habits.  There are basically two ways to be mash’piah (influence) others, actively or passively.  It’s recommended that I eat five servings of fruit day.  Four weeks ago I started with one (going from one serving a week, on a good week) and I’m currently up to three servings.  By the time I come home from work (or a Weight Watchers meeting) my kids are home from camp they are starving.  Immediately after joining Weight Watchers I attempted to actively influence them by suggesting that if they are hungry they should have some fruit or drink a glass of water (or Crystal Light).  Their basic response was, “You packed us an apple for our lunch already.  We want a real snack.”  I decided then and there not to suggest fruit and use the passive approach.  Instead, when I felt hungry, I would mention it and then proceed to grab some fruit to snack on and make sure my kids saw me do it.  After doing this for exactly a week, I noticed that my son also started “snacking” on an apple at home when he was hungry.  Children are much more observant than we give them credit for.  They notice everything and sometimes just being a good example can influence them.
  • You can’t do it alone- OK, some people probably can, but getting reinforcement from discussions with leaders and peers can’t hurt.  Rabbi Yisrael Salanter knew this over 150 years ago.  He and his students (and their students) innovated such revolutionary ideas like a Beis HaMussar (a small dwelling or room where one can practice mussar techniques and discuss ideas in privacy) and mussar vaadim (a group or chabura that would get together on a regular basis to work on a specific character trait or mussar teaching).  They would chant, discuss text regarding the subject of the day and share their feelings and report on their success and challenges during the previous week.  This is pretty much what happens at a Weight Watchers meeting (and any “fill in the blank” Anonymous meeting). 


For me, the similarities between what is part and parcel of Weight Watchers and what I’ve learned from Mussar seem to fit together like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (which has a Points Plus value of nine).

A true win in the eyes of the non-sports fan

I am not a sports fan.

I could blame it on the environment I grew up in, since my hometown isn’t home to any professional sports teams. I was never particularly athletic, but did play some soccer when I was in elementary school. That, aside from posing as a skateboard, was the extent of my active involvement in any sports. Of course, I bike (for information about this and how to help me raise money for Chai Lifeline click here), but it’s more of a hobbie. My father a”h was an avid tennis player and golfer back in the day and he loved to watch college basketball, especially our local team, the Wichita State Shockers. We would attend many games during the season and always watch them on TV. As I got older, my interest in spending time watching games with my father dissipated, as I moved towards things like comic books, decisively counter-culture music, and Yiddishkeit.

My lack of interest in sports as an adult, you see, has nothing to do with religion or frumkeit. In fact, not being able to chime in about various sports news, scores, and game highlights is somewhat of a social damper for me especially during Kiddush on Shabbos. As I’ve posted before, my son (in 5th grade) is a huge sports fanatic. Aside from being fairly athletic (he gets this from my wife’s side of the family), he is a avid fan of professional sports. At White Sox games he has completely held his own when talking about plays with adults sitting near us and will even record games off the radio with his mp3 player so that he can listen to them if he falls asleep.

As a father I know and have seen how sports can be a “father and son” bonding thing. I make an effort to always find out the scores of games in the morning, so that I can tell him who wins and I often will be the one to give him a newsflash about when someone is traded from one team to another. My son understands that I take an active role in what interests him, even if I remain on the sidelines. Playing sports is more than just exercise, it builds teamwork, confidence, and teaches one to follow directions. As I have seen for the past few years in the little league that my son plays in, with the right role-models there are many opportunities to teach the importance of both good sportsmanship and also Kiddush Hashem (as in the real mitzvah of Kiddush Hashem, which classically relates to how other Jews see you).

After a recent little league baseball game my son’s coach emailed us about a decision he made towards the end of the game. I admit, I had to read it a few times and even wiki’ed a baseball term. It seems that the coach decided, “to walk one player from the opposing team to load the bases so that there could be a force play at every base in the event that the subsequent batter put the ball in play the ball in play.” As it turns out, my son’s coach “unintentionally violated the rules by ordering an intentional walk so there would be a force play at every base when the next batter came up to bat”, as he wrote us in the email. He concluded his email, which he asked us to read to our sons, with these words:



“As I have discussed making a Kiddush Hashem with the kids over and over, I feel that I may have done just the opposite. I take full responsibility for what transpired and as the coach of the team, I am fully accountable. Please let the boys know that I am sorry that I let them down and I will try to be better in the future. As role models, we can never let our desire to win supersede our obligation to act with derech eretz and proper respect for our fellow players.”

My son’s team has a fairly good record so far this season. There will be more games won and probably a few that he will lose, but this was a true win. I hope in the years to come when he sees his father make mistakes along the way or when he, himself, makes the wrong call at some point, he will be able to look at the intellectual honesty and Torah true menschlikeit that his coach demonstrated.

In Rav Moshe Weinberger’s Perkei Avos shiurim that I listened to this past Sunday, while biking, he mentioned a few ideas that I’d like to expand upon, L’zecher Nishmas the 4th yahrzeit of Rivka bas Chaim Yosef a”h, my mother-in-law.

Rav Weinberger asks (in the 2st shiur)  a question based on the Marahal’s Derech Chaim,  “Why does the first mishna start of stating that Moshe received the Torah from Har Sinai, instead of stating that the Torah was received from Hashem?”
Har Sinai was more than just a place, it was a way of life.  The location was chosen by Hashem, just like we, B’nai Yisrael were chosen by Hashem.  Har Sinai was a constant, a visible force.  It was also chosen because of its’ size and the middah of humility, as many of our children have learned in pre-school.  To be someone that receives Hashem’s Torah, means that you are willing to receive from anyone who can teach you.  It’s is we, like Moshe, who have to be willing to learn what anyone is willing to teach us, no matter if they are a Gadol or a Katon.

Peirkei Avos, Rav Weinberger says, is called “Avos” because the Torah within these Mishnayos are based on a mesorah that goes back and is rooted in the yashrus, the ehrlichkeit, middos, and derech eretz of our Avos and Imos.  Avraham, Yitzchak, Yaaov, Sara, Rivka, Rochel, and Leah, like Har Sinai, taught us how to be m’kabal not just the Torah but a Torah lifestyle of middos tovos. Perkei Avos isn’t just the textbook for a course on how to “act frum” it’s teaches you how to live a frum life.  The Avos and Imos, but the Avos gave over the passion of the one writing the textbook.  My wife’s mother was a prime example of this.  She knew what it meant to be frum, to love Hashem, to have a relationship with Hashem.  She gave that over to those she knew, especially to Joanie.

Later in the 3rd shiur, Rav Weinberger gives an insight into the first thing said by the Anshei Knesses Gedolah, “Be deliberate in judgment.”  This teaching is so important when viewed within context of what was happening to the generation at the that time.  It was the end of the era of Nevu’ah, prophecy, and B’nai Yisrael felt that Hashem was abandoning them.  The Mabit (Rav Moshe be Yosef of Tirani) says that being “deliberate in judgment” doesn’t refer to how we view other people, but how we view the events that happen to us in life.

Din is always related to examining every detail of a situation, looking at things from all sides.  He says that we should always realize, even if the darkest times when we no longer have Naviim, that Hashem is always with us.  This is what the Anshei Knesses Gedolah was teaching their generation.

When we are able to “be deliberate in judgment” and see how each detail in our life is connected to another detail, then the  outcome can only be that Hashem is with us.  This was a middah that Rivka bas Chaim Yosef had perfected.  My mother-in-law never looked at tragedy, loss, or any difficulty as a punishment  from Hashem.  She always knew that Hashem was constantly with her, watching, guiding, and protecting.  We should all be zoche to take this middah from Bubbie and giving it over to our own children.

A request from Mrs. Uberdox

My wife asks of my readers the following:
In honor of my mother’s 4th Yarzheit, Take the time out of your day to lend an ear, a shoulder to cry on , give a warm smile and most importantly don’t forget to tell your family and friends how much you love them. Tomorrow simply isn’t guaranteed. The yarzheit of my mother-in-law, Rivka bas Chaim Yosef a”h, starts this Shabbos night.
Thank you.
Sent via Blackberry by AT&T

5 hours, 52.5 miles, and $2,448

Photo taken by me at 6:30AM on 5/29/11
Sunday at 5:40AM I biked Lake Shore Drive as part of Chai Lifeline’s Chai Cyclists. It was misty and foggy for most of the ride, not exactly picture perfect weather like previous years, but still amazing.  I had hoped to bike 45 miles in just over 4 hours, but in the end I spent 5 hours biking 52.5 miles, the last hour in the rain. 

At first the fog wasn’t a big deal to me, even though it seems that less people we on the Drive this year. When it started misting, I found myself stopping and cleaning my glasses. It seemed like my first 45 miles went fairly smoothly. While I was thrilled to be biking when it was overcast and 60 degrees, the fog was intense and landmark sites like Buckingham Fountain, the Field Museum, and Soldier Field seemed to disappear as I biked past them.

Things were going well until the rain came at 9:30, when they start clearing the bikers off of Lake Shore drive (think of it as the Belt, or the Van Wyke).  We were all directed to take the “bike path” along the actual lake. On any other day this would have been quite the scenic route, but then it the light mist turned to rain for those last 60 minute and time moved slowly.  
It wasn’t all that bad.  Prior to the rain, I was able to listen to the first three of Rav Moshe Weinberger’s Pirkei Avos shiurim, which were great.  The music that played after those kept me moving even as rain seemed to find me, despite my wishes.
It was a victory for me and for the children and families that are continuously helped by the efforts of Chai Lifeline. I was greeted with cheers from the staff and my brother, who came in from Brooklyn, for my accomplishment.

After the event I went back home with my brother and a close friend/fellow Chai Lifeline cyclist (since he drove us downtown) to be greeted by wife, kids and my friend’s family for a gala breakfast that Mrs. Uberdox made for us.

For those that sponsored me, thanks!!!  A blog post or a thank you letter doesn’t really do justice to how you have directly helped Chai Lifeline by sponsoring me for this event.  My total raised: $2,448.

After 5 hours (last one in the rain) I biked a total of 52.5 miles and raised over $2200 for Chai Lifeline. Now I need to dry off.
Thanks to all my sponsors.

Last post before Bike The Drive

Biked for an hour last night and I’m ready for the big ride.
My brother plans on driving in from Brooklyn to be at the ride and cheer me on, which is awesome.  So far, I’ve raised over $2100 for Chai Lifeline and I’m so thankful that such a wide range of people sponsored me.  From long time friends, to bloggers I’ve become friends with, to relatives, to a non-Jew from high school, and even my shul…it’s a wild group.

My wife and kids have been encouraging me and I’m begining to feel somewhat “more active”.  The sadness of not being able to share this success with my in-laws a”h and my father a”h is somewhat offset by knowing that the money raised is,mamash, going towards children and their families that needed it.

I’m pretty excited to get back on Lake Shore Drive again and hoping for excellent weather.
Training weekly for this has been tough, but worth it.  It’s also given me a fixed time to prepare and think about my “Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh” chabura that I started a few months ago.  Indeed, time well spent.

My first three hours biking will be used for listening to shiurim in zechus of a Refuah Shelayima for Revuen ben Tova ChayaZev Meir ben Yael Sarra, Rivkah Zelda bat Sarah and Miriam bas chana Yael; also as a merit for 2 couples who want children. In addition, it will be l’zecher nishmas:
Rivkah bas Chaim Yosef
Dan HaLevi bas Aharon
Avraham ben Zorach
Efraim ben Shlomo
Rebbetzin Zlata Geisinksky
Chaya bas Tuvyeh Leib
Eliezer Baruch Chaim

This year’s playlist is:

Pirkei Avos (1)- Why Begin with Olam Habah? Rav Moshe Weinberger
Pirkey Avos (2) – The Kiss Of Har Sinai – Rav Moshe Weinberger
Pirkei Avos (3) Humility – The Only Prerequisite Rav Moshe Weinberger
Pirkei Avos (4) Patience With Others, With Hahsem And With Ourselves Rav Moshe Weinberger
Hashem Melech- Yosef Karduner
Hallelu- Rockiah
Ki Lo Yitosh- Rockiah
Va-Yivan Uziyah- Piamenta
L’Shana Habaah- Piamenta
Anachnu Maaminim Medley- Piamenta
Dreams of my Redemption- Piamenta
Hafachta- The Diaspora Yeshiva Band
Cracow Nigun- Reb Shlomo Carlebach
V’li Yeruholayim- Yitzhak Halevi Band
Pischu Li- Yitzhak Halevi Band
In the Merit Of…- Pitom
Flash Gordon Theme- Queen
All Those People Know- Bob Mould
Chartered Trips- Husker Du
Sorrow- Bad Religion

Thanks to all of you who have be so kind to sponsor me.

If you haven’t sponsored me, there’s till time: