Category Archives: personal

Feeling burned out…

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Burn-out, Off the derech, Timtum HaLev, observabots, general lack of feeling while performing mitzvos.  Call it what you will, but recently it’s been a topic among many bloggers.  Why?  I’d venture to say that it is because most people are worried about someone they know or even themselves.  To be on fire, excited, and passionate about anything all the time isn’t easy.

If inclined, I’m listing a few links for online reading as well as two mp3 shiurim that might help anyone.  I’ve, personally, found them useful.

Reading
Adults at Risk:  by R Mordechai Becher and Rabbi Chanan (Antony) Gordon-  A well written article that address this issues and offers suggestions

Burn-Out:  by The Ner LeElef Institute-  This document was written for the “kiruv profession”, but don’t let that stop you from reading…with an open mind and heart

Inspiration and Disappointment:  from LIVING INSPIRED by Rabbi Akiva Tatz-  If you haven’t read this, he explains why we need to go through a period of excitement and then hit the bumpy roadListening

Listening
Getting High, Staying High:  Rabbi Akiva Tatz (fourth shiur on the list)- This is the mp3 shiur of the same concepts found in the above link
 
Loving Yiddishkeit:  by Rabbi Shaya Cohen (third shiur on the list)-  While geared toward parents, the information, insights, and advice are hands-on and can be applied for anyone
 

To be continued…

What I learned when I got my flu shot

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Last week I got a flu shot. The person who administered the shot to me told me right before the shot that, “If I relax my arm, it won’t hurt as much later.”

I told her that was very interesting and asked if it had anything to do with the muscle being contracted. I was told that I was correct and that it’s more difficult to put the needle into the contracted muscle and that most people have a sore arm the next day because they put up that resistance.

A day later my arm didn’t hurt as much as usual, but  I could get that conversation out of my head. 

I am, in many respects, a rather easy-going and go-with-the-flow type of person.  I’m, also, rather set in my ways, at times.  Ususally I prefer to think of it as a “stick with your guns” attitude, but when all is said and done, I can be rather stiff-necked.  Grown and change are good things, like a flu shot.  The help you out in the long run and I have no trouble accepting them.  The problem, I realize for me, is that even when I do decide to grow/change there can be a little residual resistance that lingers.  That’s the kicker.

If I know that a specific action is a good choice to make and it will benefit me or my family, then it would seem only right to accept it and go-with-the-flow.  Putting up resistance and “contracting the muscle” will only make my arm sore.  So why put up even that little bit of resistance?  The obivious answer, for me, is that it’s a the most comfortable reaction…resisting change.

As I was thinking about this post, a teaching of R Moshe Chaim Luzzato (the Ramchal) came to mind.  In Derech Hashem (part 1, chapter 4, section 4) the Ramchal teaches that:

The Highest Wisdom too into account all the categories of man’s natural faults as well as all the concepts of true excellence and value required by man in order to become worthy of being drawn close to God and enjoying His good.  Taking everything into account, He set up patterns and restraints [my emphasis] through which everything excellent should be incorporated in man and everything separating him from God, removed.

The Ramchal then explains that the “patterns and restraints” are Hashem’s mitzvos.  I’ve always (well, since 1991) been enamored with this defintion of mitzvos.  Following both the postive mitzvos and prohibitions is really an issue of postive action and exercising our bechira (free will) to restrain ourselves and put up the right type of resistance when neccessary.  In light of my flu shot, I have woken up to the reality that resistance of things that are in my benefit will only leave me sore. 

For a real fascinating exploration of bechira, I suggest reading Dr.  Benzion Sortzkin’s  Bechira:  How Free is Free Will?

Sentimental Spurts

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Lately I find that there are many ideas, thoughts and memories that trigger emotional responses in me.  I tend to get “misty eyed” rather easily about some things.  Maybe it’s just me getting older or just random feelings leaking out.  I find myself getting emotion about things.  This line from Paul McCartney’s song, “My Brave Face” is often playing in my head: “The Simplest Things Set Me Off Again.“

In August we visited Liberty Island and Ellis Island with our children and my sister-in-law. Being a third-generation American on both my father’s and mother’s sides, I have always felt rather removed about by family’s journey to America, but walking through the main visitor area at Ellis Island made me realize the the incredible journey my great-great grandparents must have made.
I’ve been, over the past month and a half, slowly reading the late Prof. Randy Pausch’s book The Last Lecture.  I will admit, that even getting through the introduction was difficult for me.  I can’t help put reading it with a box of Puffs nearby.  Perhaps it’s because I’m just amazed by his clairity of thought and foresight to give over a powerful message to those he cared most about.  I know, as a father and spouse, there are many things I need to improve upon.  Reading this book has really put the bracha (blessing) of life in perspective. 

I’ve been able to daven Selichos with a small minyan in the evenings.  In addition to this giving me more time to really understand what I’m saying, I’ve found myself get rather emotional during my davening.

I found a few tears in my eyes when my daughter, after working very hard, got a good remark from her moreh regarding her school work.  I had to leave the room when my son, very casually told us that on the day before Yom Kippur he made sure to be one the first kids out of the school building so he could hold the door and wish everyone a “K’siva v’Chasim Tova”. 

I wasn’t planning on posting this, as it was written over several weeks.  I debated, drafter, edited, re-wrote, and edited again.  But I needed to, only because when the time comes, and it will, that my tears stop coming, I can look at this.

What I gained from jury duty

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I had jury duty a few weeks ago. While I’m all for doing my part to help our country’s legal system, I also figured it would be a good time to make some progress in a few things that I have been learning. As I was trying to decide what reading material to take with me I ended up with really two choices: Rambam’s Hilchos Teshuva or the second volume of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh. I was already on the 6th chapter of Hilchos Teshuva (I usually start learning it a few days before Elul, and sadly, in 12 years I have only finished it 3 times) and was on the 3rd chapter of the Bilvavi.

As I was past the half-way mark with Hilchos Teshuva I opted to bring that sefer. Arriving in the jury room and 9:30 am and remaining there until past 4:00pm (no, I wasn’t picked to be a juror) gave me ample time to really jump into the Rambam in a way that was much more fullfilling than my past attempts. The time also allowed me to look around at my fellow civic-minded citizens of Chicago and see what they were doing.

Many were reading, watching movies on laptops or their smartphones, listening to music, taking naps, and taking naps. One “youth minister” seated close to me was working Sunday school lesson plans. He actually asked me about “Joseph’s relationship with his brothers”. All the while, the words of a very wise and close friend of mine, echoed in my mind, “How we use our free time really defines the type of person that we are”.

I was very glad that I had chosen to attempt to learn. That gladness was supercharged when I read the following from the 10th chapter (halacha 2) of Hilchos Teshuva:


Anyone who serves out of love and occupies himself with Torah and mitzvot and follows the ways of wisdom should not do so for any earthly reason[s] or out of fear of the curses or to receive the blessings, but should fulfil the truth because it is the truth. Out of this he will receive goodness. This level is a very high one, and not every wise person attains it. This is the level of Abraham the Patriarch, whom God called His `friend’, for the reason that he served God solely out of love. This is a level which God commanded, via Moses, us [to attain], as it is written, “And you shall love the Lord your God”. Once a person loves God appropriately, he will fulfil the commandments out of love.


While probably obvious to most, I was amazingly joyful to read the words of the Rambam.  As I had almost reached the intersection between Cheshbon HaNefesh and “will my Teshuva be enough this year”, I found was reminded by the words of the Rambam something that I had forgotten along the way.  Advodas Hashem m’Ahava is really the best path to take.  As I reflect on this, it makes perfect sense.  I know that I’m more touched when my own children listen and do what is expected of them because they love me, instead of because they fear what might happen to them if they don’t.  Again, it’s a simple thought, but one that I needed to be reminded of.

As I go into the Yom HaDin, I’ll attempt to put a lot more Ahava into my Avodah! 

Kesiva v’chasima tova!

The derech of the reverse Gingerbread Man mentality

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“Run, run, run as fast you can!
You can’t catch me,
I’m The Gingerbread Man!”

Recently while returning a copy of the Gingerbread Man to the library I skimmed through the book. It had been years since I had heard/read the story. I, at first, felt bad for the the Gingerbread Man. He wants to live a life of freedom, like other human beings. He makes a great escape and after a furious chase he eventually ends up being eaten by a fox.

Maybe its just a feeling of being out of sorts lately or the excitement/responsibilty of Elul, but I can see myself (at times) as a Gingerbread Man…of sorts.  What I mean is that the Gingerbread Man makes the mistake of thinking that he is meant for something greater than his potential.  He tries to fight the natural outcome of being a Gingerbread Man.  Despite some couragous antics and thinking that a fox will save him, his destity or Divine Providence is to be eaten.  His nature, that of being a cookie to be enjoyed with a bracha before and after, is the sole purpose of his existance.

There are times that I’ve gotten trapped into the reverse mentality of the Gingerbread Man.  While he, in his crispy-on-the-outside-and-soft-on-the-inside-greatness doesn’t realize that to go beyond the limits of his potential is futile, I can count the times that I have limited my own potenial own based on what I think that I cannot achieve.  When I think about what I could have done at several key points in my life I know that the only thing that stopped me was…me.

As an aside, it’s interesting that the story of the Gingerbread Man, passed down from generation to generation is still the story of a Gingerbread Man.  Perhaps women have a better self view of their potenial and roles in life than we men do.  I know that my wife married me because she saw my potential, not the warped view of Gingerbread Man, who saw what he wasn’t instead of what he was.

Ice cold chessed

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At work we have fabulous ice trays in the freezer. They make really nice big ice cubes, perfect for iced coffee. I have noticed that some people use ice and others don’t. Some who use the ice will, sometimes, refill the ice cube trays, while others don’t seem to bother. One of the fundamental teachings of R Dessler was that people, at their essence, are either givers or takers.

Even with ice cubes.

Laugh if you want. It’s only ice, right? However, getting people, especially children, to realized this concept is extremely importantl in character development. I know that when I choose to give, I make everyone around me much happier. Since Purim (a yom tov that contains a mitzvah to give) I have been attempting to teach this concept to my kids. I realized that an easy act of giving was for my 8 yr old son to bring his 6 year old sister her breakfast or dinner from the kitchen to the dining room table and let his sister do the same for him. At first there was some resistance, but eventually both of them have started doing this on their own.

Ice, a smile, a kind word, or even a bowl of cereal makes a difference.

The hashkafic implacations of strikethrough

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From Wikipedia:
Strikethrough (also called strikeout) is a typographical presentation of words with a horizontal line through the center of them. Here is an example.

It signifies one of two meanings. In ink-written, typewritten, or other non-erasable text, the words are a mistake and not meant for inclusion. When used on a computer screen, however, it indicates recently-deleted information. (The difference is that in the latter situation, the struck-through text previously was a legitimate part of the document.) It can also be used for humorous purposes, such as something that normally shouldn’t be shown is shown anyway, but with the striketrough put on, rather than the text being deleted.

I admit, using strikethrough is nice, once in a while.  The new version of Blogger in draft allows one to publish using the typographic element of strikethrough.  In life I hardly ever use a pencil, I prefer pen.  When taking notes, if I make a mistake I simply mark it out with a pen.  I have no problem with this.  When it comes to typing a letter, email, or posting, I try to give as much of a finished product as possible.

When it come to Yiddishkeit and mitzvah performance, I’m not so sure where I stand on strikethrough.  One one hand, it’s important to show ourselves and others that we make mistakes, think before we speak, and attempt to even take back things that we say (this can also be done with the DELETE or BACKSPACE key).

On the other hand, there is much to be said for a “finished product”‘ that represents hard work, rough drafts, editing, and spellcheck (currently missing in “Blogger in draft”).  There are stuggles that one may have and accomplishments that one may have made that result in the “finished product”.  These struggle and accomplishments might be of a private nature that only a close friend may know about.  It may be that only Hashem was privy to know of these things.

When it comes to giving chizuk, showing that I made a mistake in a certain area, and thus, exercised a strikethough on a particular thought, action, or word has merit.  However, showing the process involved in correcting something or doing teshuva seems to have even more merit, in my mind, as the total end result should be shelaymus (perfection).

Where Hashem’s Shechinah resides

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During an Avos U’banim (father and son) learning program on Shabbos I had a discussion with my son (entering 3rd grade) and one of his friends (entering 5th grade) about behavior and kavod (honor) that we need to have while in a shul or beis midresh.

I quoted the Gemora in Megillah 29a that states the since the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash (Holy Temple) Hashem’s Shechinah (Presense) which use to reside in the the Beis HaMikdash, now on a certain level resides in a beis haknesses (shul) and beis hamidrash (study hall).

My son’s friend piped up, “I thought that Hashem is everywhere?”
My son then quickly quoted the famous Uncle Moishy lines, “Hashem is here, Hashem is there…Hashem is truly everywhere.”

They brought up a good point. I submitted to the following analogy to hopefully explain this concept:

We know that the sun give us light all over the section of the Earth that it shines upon. However if you were to take a magnifying glass and put a leave under it, with some careful focusing you can focus part of the sun’s light and burn a leaf (this was a favorite activity of mine when I was younger). By doing this we are not taking away any of the light that’s being shined by the sun. So to, as I explained to my son and his friend, when we say that Hashem’s Shechinah resides in both shuls and batei midrashim, it doesn’t mean that Hashem is only in these places and not everywhere else. The Shechina itself is only being re-focused in certain locations. That focusing of doesn’t take away from Hashem being everywhere.