Category Archives: children

24 years ago this Shabbos Chanuka…

…I had my Bar Mitzvah. A few thoughts come to mind:

I used a manual typewriter for my speech
When I spoke about this Haftorah and the importance of dedicating oneself to religion I would have never thought that 3.5 years later I would take steps towards a Torah observant lifestyle
Brown isn’t my color
I rocked the Run DMC glasses before Run DMC
The DJ played “Mr. Roboto” and “Rock the Casbah”
I had a lot of family come in from out of town
A Bar Mitzvah kiddush meant good cake and not Tam Tams
When you are 13, Musaf seem to take forever from the Bimah
That day after shul I went home and played my Atari 5200, this week after shul I’ll learn Chumash with my son

Habits

We all have them. Some of them are good, others are not so good. Some manifest themselves as traits, middos (tov v’ra), and personality quarks. Here are a couple of examples of habits that I’ve taken note of over the past few months:

1. We spent about a month before Rosh Hashana trying (with success in the end) to de-Crocify our son. He spent a fun filled summer wearing his Crocs almost every day. While we were happy to see him enjoying them, the downside is that once you start wearing Crocs your foot feels very confined in anything else (I will attest to this). Throughout Elul he had been wearing his new Shabbos/Yom Tov shoes around the house so that he can get use to them. At first there was great resistance. “They are not a comfortable as my Crocs”, was a common line from him. With patience and effort he successfully wore ‘regular’ shoes all Rosh Hashanah without too many complaints (only to relish in the fact that he could rock his Crocs on Yom Kippur). I realized during the month that were letting him get use to his Shabbos shoes, that some habits are easier to break with when attacking them in small doses (like slowly chiseling away at something bit by bit). This technique is used in popular Shemiras Ha’Lashon programs, where in individual makes a commitment not to speak Lashon Horah from a set amount of time.

2. Recently we stayed with my brother-in-law, his family, and their two dogs. My one year old Uberbaby daughter was not to hip to the dogs at all. For the first 5 days she could cry if a dog came near her. We debated about what to do to get her acclimated to the pets. At first we tried to get her to pet them and sit next to them. Well, she happens to be a pretty fast crawler and is becoming a confident walker, too. So we then opted to do nothing. We simply allowed her to get use to seeing us interact with the dogs and go about our business. Within, as I wrote, 5 days, her fear was gone. She would pet them and even give them her food. This approach of breaking a habit by watching others set an example happens to be one of the most effective middos management tools used both in chinuch and more importantly, in the home.

3. I do a lot of our grocery shopping. Usually, I’ll pick up non-food items at one store and then get actual food at one of several stores in the area. Because of time constraints prior to the Yom Tovim this year I found myself doing massive shopping at one store that has both non-food, food, and extensive kosher deli/bakery/take-out as well (if you live in Chicago, the name of the store happens to rhyme with the word cool) and it seemed to take forever. I was very frustrated by this. Mostly by the fact that I wasn’t so familiar with all the aisles and where certain products were. I was in the habit of not knowing my way around the store.

After Yom Kippur I was reading an article in Fast Company (one of my favorite websites and mags) about Design Thinking and I realized that I could use the concepts behind design thinking to help me with my grocery shopping issue. In brief, if you haven’t read the entire article yet, the ideas behind Design Thinking are:

Define the problem
Create and consider many options
Refine selected directions
Pick the winner, execute

Applying the steps of Design Thinking to spending less time in a particular grocery store might look like this:

The problem is that I don’t know my way around
My options might be that I could study a map of the store, do more shopping there, spend my lunch hour walking around the store to see where things are, or just not change a thing
Doing more shopping there might help, but the learning curve will be slow. I like the idea of spending my lunch hour there. The extra exercise wouldn’t hurt me.
I started walking around the store and I feel like I have a better grasp of which aisle I can find things like: plastic wrap, flour, rubbing alcohol, chullent beans, and toothpaste.

One cool thing about the first step (Define the problem) is that it really make you think. At first glance, it might seem like the problem was that grocery shopping took to long. That’s really not the problem. The problem was that I didn’t know my way around the store.
The Design Thinking approach can also help with things like anger. Why do we get angry? Usually it seems on the surface to be for different reasons. I’ll use the example that happens to me. I get upset or angry sometimes when my son doesn’t do something right away when I ask him (of course this is only a reflection of the same lacking on my own part). But that’s not the real reason I get angry. I was zoche to be in Woodmere, NY to hear Rav Moshe Weinberger’s 2005 Shabbos Shuva drasha at Aish Kodesh (totally rainy night, thunderstorms, and over 1000 people showed up). The following is based on my own notes:

Why do we scream and get angry? When we miss the train or when your wife burns the kugel. Why do you yell at your kid? You yell at your kid for not cleaning his room. For something like not looking in the zemiros book? That is what kids do. Rav Kook says the source of your anger is with yourself, because you can’t control yourself. It’s not due to the people that are trying to be good to you and love you.

In my case, the emes is that I get upset because I feel that what I ask to be done should be done right away. It’s guyvahdik, plain and simple. Rav Kook’s words seem to imply that it’s all about a lack of self control. Either we feel that we need to be in control or we simple have no control over our anger.

If anyone has any ideas about dealing with habits, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

Vayeira’s message to former Kiruv Professionals

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This was originally posted as a comment I made on Rabbi Without A Cause’s blog, here.

My shul’s Rav based his second day Rosh Hashana on something taught by the Rav Soloveitchik, who asks what happened to Avraham after the Akeidah?

All we know is that he went to Ber Sheva and settled there. After Akedas Yitzchak, the Torah doesn’t record that Hashem speaks again with Avraham. What was he doing? Rav Soloveitchik answered this question as follows. After a lifetime of serving Hashem, teaching Torah, and converting hundreds to monotheism, it seems that the Torah tells us that Avraham ends up he living in Ber Shevah among is his family, his nephews/ nieces and their children. Avraham mostly spent time with his family and helping to strengthen their yiddishkeit.

For me this really hit home. I spent 12 yrs involved in kiruv and communal work. Like many of my former friends and former colleagues, eventually I chose to leave that velt for the ‘private sector’. The people I’ve known who have left outreach are amazing people. The kind of people that organizations really can’t replace. I think that what Rav Soloveitchik is telling us is that while working for klal Yisrael and for a kehillah is very important, when you stop, life goes on. Family is what matters. You can be a shiach for Hashem and m’karev tens if not hundreds of individuals, but if you are not successful with your own family, then how successful are you?

To take 15 minutes and sit and bentch word by word with an unaffiliated teenager is a great thing to do. To take time and do Chumash homework with your own kids is just as chashuv. Gut Shabbos Kodesh.

This d’var Torah is being given over Zecher Nishmas Dan Haleiv ben Aharon.

Living vicariously through our kids

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I think most of us, at one time or another, think about living vicariously through our kids. I’ve been tempted to buy band t-shirts of my ‘old favorites’ for my kids. I also love bathing our almost one year old Uberbaby daughter and giving her a mohawk! I can’t help myself. Others might live vicariously through their children when it comes to birthday parties, bar/bas mitzvahs, wedding, popularity in school, excellence in acedemics or sports, etc.

I think that most of us parents out there want what’s best for our kids. For some that means letting our kids live a lifestyle that reflects the way that we grew up. For others this might mean giving kids what we didn’t have when we, ourselves, were growing up. This, of course, can manifest itself in either materialism, experiences, or aspects of Torah observant life.

As the school year starts I often see parents living vicariously through their own kids. My own son just got his first “rebbi” as a teacher. I’m thrilled, I freely admit it. I didn’t grow up with an opportunity like that. The urge to hear every single detail about my son’s day at school is tempting. I hold back though. I’m just happy that my son is happy at his school. I realize that my dreams are not my son’s dreams. His strengths are very different than may own (especially in sports). I know that I have a much better relationship with my own kids when I accept them for who they are, not who I want them to be (this is different than having expectations for one’s kids).

I think that the middos we demonstrate (by what we do and how we do it) also end up ‘living’ vicariously through our children. In a way, our kids absorb both the good and the not good within us. They watch, listen, and learn. I have seen time and again in my own kids how they pick up both the postive and negative characteristic that I display. Our kids should be the ones who want to live vicariously through us!

Rav Dessler in Michtav M’Eliyahu also deals with this idea in terms of the Avos (Avraham-Chessed, Yitzchak- Gevurah/Yirah, and Yaakov-Emes). Rav Dessler goes on to explain how each of the Avos actually utilized aspects of all three of these (Chessed, Gevurah, and Emes) built on the Avodah of the previous generation.

When I first worked on the rough draft for this post last week. I had, at the time, reached just over the “25,000” mark on my site meter (despite very irregular postings over the past several months). The quick glance, light read, or even thoughful comment left on Modern Uberdox is greatly appreciated. As I’ve posted before, the fact that anyone even reads this blog is humbling. Like parenting, teaching, and most things in life the bottom line is: We have no clue what effect we can have on others. Thanks for reading.

Public Service Announcement

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(This is not directed to the woman I just saw talking on her cell phone, while jay-walking across a major street in my neightboorhood at 5PM erev Shabbos, dragging her two daughters along with her, still talking on her cell phone, who didn’t notice her son who was still hadn’t crossed the street, screaming “Ima! Ima!”. Nor is it directed at the same woman who didn’t notice her that her son was not with her, nor hear him screaming for her. As, I pulled the boy out of the middle of the street with on coming traffic, I said, “Tzaddik, come. I’ll walk you across the street”. Nor is this directed towards the woman I approached, with her son in my hand, whom I said several times to, “Excuse me, excuse me”, then when I got her attention and returned her precious child to, offered no thank you to me, due to the fact that she was still on her cell phone.)

I’m sad and I’m mad. We have a problem. It’s not just bans on music, making sure our kids are safe in the Mountains, dealing with drugs, at-risk kids, TV/internet issues. It’s (and I am guilty of this at times) simply not putting our kids first.

I’m sure that people, for example, might have to take an important phone call at times, but I don’t think it’s right to do it at the expense of your children’s safety. What message are we giving our kids? What priority do I give to my own kids?

Kids see everything.

Taking a moment…

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While there is always room for improvement, I must say that I recently took a moment to appreciate several good things in life. This started Sunday afternoon when I was driving home from a Bar Mitzvah. I was thinking about how fortunate I was to have heard Ruby Harris sing and play guitar.

Then, the car in front of me had a flat tire. Seeing it made me feel thankful that, while my car occasionally doesn’t start (if it was a Transformer, my car would be called Jumpstart), it was, all in all (with the exception of something getting caught in the engine last summer) a good purchase.

I then thought about what a nice Shabbos I had. Recently my Uberwife and I decided to try to make individualized time for our kids. One when out to get school supplies with Mrs. Uberdox and another recently got a day at the ‘beauty parlor’ (really just a haircut for our 5 yr old Uberdaughter).

So this past Shabbos night I at 9:30 PM I found myself with my son. Everyone else had gone to bed. We read stories, shmoozed about things, and had a great time. I hope that by spending more “Abba and Me” time with my kids, beautiful memories will pop into my head the next time someone runs in the house, shouts, doesn’t throw something away, wakes up little Uberbaby, or wakes their parents up. I can only hope that as I get closer to the Yom HaDin, Hashem recalls the ‘good times’.

As I got closer to home I thought about our almost 11 month old. She always has a smile and does totally radical things (yeah, I use the word ‘radical’) like puts one hand up in the air and says, “Ta Da” when she does something she’s proud of. She also just figured out how to ‘fake-snore’ and totally cracks herself up when she does it.

Then, just the other day, Mrs. Uberdox found for me, what might be, the ultimate Shabbos/Yom Tov shirt (total chessed on her part).

As I think about people I know who are sick/have sick relatives, are missing parnassah, need shiduchim, and just seem to have everything go wrong, I realize that it is, truly, important to realize what I should be thankful for.

Thinking outside the Aron

At Risk…

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(from fotosearch.com)

This morning I was pulling into work, and saw a pair of Canadian Geese with five new gooslings. They were walking in single file formation. There was one adult goose followed by four gooslings and another adult goose following behind. Then there was the the fifth little goosling, following a foot behind, still in formation. I thought to myself, “Can geese be ‘at-risk’?”

I don’t mean to make light the issue of our kids’ being ‘at-risk’. I have posted my thoughts and concerns about the issue in the form of comments on several other blogs. It’s an important issue.

Of course, it probably means very little that a goosling is walking behind the rest of the group. The scene did hit me pretty hard, though. Even though one goosling was behind, it was still walking in formation with its’ family. This, to me, is a powerful statement.

Sadly, once in a while, I catch myself talking to my kids about what they didn’t do right. Despite coming home after a day at work, a frustrating trip to the grocery store, or even several attempts to get someone to make their bed, my kids are, B”H, like the gosslings. They stay in formation and that’s what’s important. It’s a bracha.

Bullying- an impediment to Achdus

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A Twelve year old at the ‘Shabbos park’ asks a group of boys if they want to play with him. He is rejected because because he has a slight behavioral disorder.

A third grader is threatened by a peer and is told that if he is tells anyone he will get his head put into a toilet.

A sixth grade girl walks out of a classroom and is rushed by classmates who start piling books into her empty backpack so that it will overfill and fall down, along with its’ owner.

A boy is shunned during recess and not allowed to play football with the other boys because he “doesn’t throw well”.

On the school bus home a child takes another child’s jacket, throws it on the ground and steps on it.

Bullying is a problem in any school. Even in our own day schools/cheders/yeshivas/girls-only-schools. It shows no bias regardless of the school’s hashkafa.

In our educational intitutions, where even three year olds learn about Rabbi Akiva and the mitzvah of Ve Ahavta Lera’eha Kamoha and six year olds understand that 24,000 students died because they didn’t show respect and kavod HaBre’os to each other, bullying has become an issue.

There are schools that have anti-bullying programs in place. Some school have their special committees to deal with the issue. The school my children attend even has an actual curriculum that starts before first grade and includes a list of required books for summer reading that deal with bullying.

I didn’t attend a yeshiva until I was eighteen. I attended public schools and was not at all athletic or considered ‘gifted’. I was, until the end of eighth grade, rather nerdy. Then things changed. I started listening to some different music and adopted a particular style of dress. My hair went through different styles, shades, and lengths. The summer before eleventh grade I attended a summer program in Israel and returned Torah observant sporting a yarmulka and tzitzis.

For those prone to bullying, I certainly gave them ample opportunity. I was a great target. The only Torah observant teen in a midwestern city with a population of 350,000. I listened to everything but top 40 music, and dressed mostly in black. However, due to the ‘no tolerance’ policies in the schools I attended, I was never really bothered by anyone.

So I wonder, why is bullying an issue in our schools?

It can’t be solely because these bullies have parents who are bullies.
It can’t be solely because our schools are afraid to discipline bullies for fear of potentially turning the bully into an ‘at-risk child’.
It can’t be solely because kids today are never told “no”.
It can’t be solely because today chutzpa is about as common as the flu.

No, not solely, but I believe these are all factors. Like most really important issues, there are no easy answers or band-aid remedies.

Bullying is an impediment to the value of achdus that we hold in such high esteem.

If you have kids, talk with them. If you can get involved in your school, give it a try.

Don’t walk in front of me, I may not follow
Don’t walk behind me, I may not lead
Just walk beside me and be my friend
And together we will walk in the way of Hashem

While doing research for this post I came across a pretty interesting site called, Stop Bullying Now. Comments, suggestions, and solutions are welcome. Thanks for reading.

Boys Night Out

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Motzai Shabbos my son and I went out. We went to a Mesibas Lag B’Omer hosted by the Chicago Center for Torah & Chessed, which is under the leadership of Rav Yehoshua Eichenstein.

We both had a great time. The bonfire was awesome, as was the Diet Mountain Dew. There was plenty of dancing and my son ran into some friends from his class (which is always nice). We danced and sang together around the fire, with other yidden in West Rogers Park. It was beautiful to see my 7 yr old son having such a great time just enjoying the pure simcha of the moment!
We really didn’t know that many people there (we did go there with very good friends, though), and the majority of the kids there were not from the school we send our kids to, but together we danced and remembered Rabbi Akiva, Shimon Bar Yochi and their Torah.

As we walked home, I asked my son if he had a good time. He said the bonfire rocked! He then said, “Abba, the best part was when you said the we should dance. Then you asked me if you thought I could keep up with everyone. But, I was the one going faster than you. I was pulling you and you had to keep up with me!”
We put effort, time, and tefillah into our kids to follow a certain path. In the end, it’s the children, at times, who end up leading us.