Category Archives: Middos

Two of my favorite stories

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Story number one:

A regular preppie teenager walks up to a punk rock teenager with a Mohawk and asks him ‘What’s Punk?’.
So the hardcore-punk teen kicks over a garbage can and say ‘That’s punk!’. The preppie teen proceeds to kick over another garbage can and says ‘That’s Punk?’ The punk kids looks at him, smiles, and says ‘No that’s trendy!” (Overheard during a late night high school party way back in 1988)

I love this story because it shows that it’s not only our actions that define us, but our attitude when we perform those actions.
We, Baruch Hashem, can give meaning and emotion to what we do. Mitzvah performance or our level of external frumkeit isn’t meant to be something ‘trendy’. To follow the crowd without thinking about what or why you’re doing something isn’t always the best plan. Plenty of people, myself included, fall into the trap of doing mitvah-related actions by rote or as another trend once in a while.
To put on Tefillin, make a bracha, hug your kid, learn a pasuk, say a kind word, clean for Shabbos, or braid a challah can be an empty action…or a meaning experience. It’s all about what you do and how you doing. By “how you do it”, I mean what kavanah you ascribe to your actions. Do do something with a sense of simcha is a wonderful thing. It’s actually pretty punk these days.

Story number two:
When Rav Dessler came to America in 1948, he met up with his son, Nachum Velvel in New York. Rav Dessler asked his son who had help him during his years alone in America? His son mentioned several people in New York along with Rabbi Eliezer Silver, the head of Agudah Israel and the rav of Cincinnati. Rav Dessler said, “We must thank him.”
His son offered to place a telephone call to Rabbi Silver, but Rav Dessler wanted to show personal hakaros hatov to Rabbi Silver. Nachum Velvel and his father then took a nine hour train ride to Ohio, arriving at 5:00 am in Cincinnati. Then went to Rabbi Silver’s home and waited on the porch to meet Rabbi Silver as he left his house for davening.
Rabbi Silver met his two guests when he woke up and they all went to shul and then back to the Silver’s for breakfast. After a bite to eat, Rabbi Silver said, “So, Rav Dessler, what brings you to Cincinnati?” Rav Dessler said that he had only come to show appreciation to Rabbi Silver for all he had done for his son.
Rabbi Silver thought about this and again asked, “So, Rav Dessler, what really brings you to Cincinnati?”
Rav Dessler said that he had no other purpose that to show hakaros hatov. Rabbi Silver asked, “Rav Dessler, what can I do for you?”
Rav Dessler, for a third time, repeated that he only wished to show gratitude to Rabbi Silver in person.
Rabbi Silver finally gave up and muttered, “This must be mussar.”
(Paraphrased from the Artscroll biography of Rav Dessler, by Yonoson Rosenbloom)
This is one of my favorite Rav Dessler stories. It embodies, what I think is the best of the mussar movement. I’m not even on the same radar screen as Rav Dessler, but I can relate to this story. My actions need to be in sync with how I live my life. This is what Rav Dessler (or any Adam Gadol) is all about. A simple “thank you” isn’t enough sometimes. We need to go out of our way (in Rav Dessler’s case he went nine hours out of his way) to do the right thing and put your money where your mouth is.
To show gratitude or do a chesed to a spouse, parent, teacher, or even a child who needs to be acknowledged is the right thing. For Rav Dessler, he felt he had no choice but to travel to Cincinnati. For me, walking across the street or just to the livingroom can make a big difference to someone. We have know idea what effect our actions can have on others. Have a great day!

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- #11

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Righteousness: In the normal sense of justice; and also as the sages interpret the term- give up what is yours even when not required to do so

Earlier this morning in shul I (along with anyone else who went to shul) heard:
“Justice, justice shall you pursue, that you may live and possess the land the Lord, your God, is giving you.” Devarim 16:20

As I enter Elul, I wonder what is the true meaning of “Righteousness”, justice, or Tzedek?
There are mitzvos that seem to make since based on how things run in a society that is governed by basic human rights (Rav Hirsch dedicates a great deal to this concept in his commentary on Chumash and several chapters specifically in Horeb and in the Nineteen Letters, but a discussion about his views will be for another time). Maybe this is what Rav Yisrael means by “in the normal sense of justice”?
I think it means that we all have certain thing that we are entitled to. When I say that we are entitled to certain things, I really mean that Hashem gives me what I need at a certain time. Ultimately, Hashem deals with me in a way that my needs are fulfilled based on my merits. There are exceptions to every rule, and some people do seem to get more in life than we may think that they merit. Reb Nachman has a whole teaching about this (the Treasury of Unearned Gifts).

Rav Yisrael goes on to give us a better definition of Tzedek, “give up what is yours even when not required to do so”. To me, it doesn’t get more practical that this. Just because something is “yours” you can still give it up.
A few examples come to mind: giving up your parking spot, giving up your seat in shul (putting aside the concept of “makom kevuah” for a minute), your kids giving up their room for a guest, not taking the last brownie, , giving up a smile or a kind work, or (and this just happened to me) giving up on taking the credit for a great one-liner during kiddush after shul (I’m only using this as an example. When my line was used by someone after they heard me say it I was, truthfully, kind of upset, but then decided that it really wasn’t worth it only because the goal of what I said was to bring a little humor and levity to the kiddush, and not to show how witty I could be).

I find it interesting that Rav Yisrael’s great- grandson, Rav Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler took this concept of giving and taught the Torah observant world that it is giving that leads us to love, not love that leads us to giving. Rav Dessler, in fact, devided the world into two types of people: Givers and Takers. To quote from Rabbi Aryeh Carmell’s translation of Michtav Me-Eliyahu, “Man has been granted this sublime power of giving, enabling him too be merciful, to bestow happiness, to give of himself.” (Strive For Truth! Volume I, page 119)

As each day brings me closer to Rosh Hashanah, I hope I can be a giver, and not a taker.

If anyone is interested in viewing what Elul was like back in the day, please feel free to read Elul in Slabodka.

I’m sorry for not posting too much last week, but I decided to greatly reduce my online time and blog reading/commenting. Last week was a difficult exercise in self-control, but I managed. I’m still reading/commenting, but I’ve set aside certain time at night to do so (and not every night). Going online and checking email throughout the day is something of a habit for most of us. I found it, in some ways, conciously controling my urges to check email/blogs much more difficult that some of the things I stopped doing when I became frum.

On a more serious note, please, if you can, continue to daven for Reuven ben Tova Chaya. The health of any child is a true Bracha from Hashem.

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- #10

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Humility: Recognize your own shortcomings and disregard those of your fellow man

Ahh, the time-honored debate between anavah and ga’avah…well not really according to Rav Yisrael. He takes a different spin on what everyone from the Ramchal to Rabbi Dr. Twerski says about humility, in my humble opinion (no pun intended).

“Recognize your own shortcomings and disregard those of your fellow man.” This is a classic example of how bein adam l’atzmo (how we relate to ourselves) can flow into bein adam l’chavero (interpersonal relations). The first step in true humility or anavah is to know where we are lacking.
I think that I need to be very aware of where I fall short. I know, since I started blogging about the 13 Midos, I’m much more sensitive to what my own shortcomings are. It’s important to know what my accomplishments are, but even more important for me to know what areas I need to work on.

An idea attributed to the Baal Shem Tov comes to mind. It’s said in his name that when we see negative midos in others it’s really a reflection on those same midos that are lacking in ourselves. For example, let’s say you look in your spouse’s van and notice that it’s not so clean. And you happen to say something to your spouse about it (hypothetically, of course). The odds are that your car isn’t too clean either! It’s easier to say or think something negative about someone, but that’s exactly why we shouldn’t (more on this idea in a future posting). It’s just bad manners (which is different than bad midos) to point the finger at the other guy. It’s also hypocritical.

“…disregard those of your fellow man” is the tricky part. There’s a great line by Rav Kook that I love. He said that he would rather be guilty of baseless love, than of baseless hatred. Most people have some quality that we can admire, even beyond the “Yiddishe Neshama” factor. It’s really a sensitivity training issue. On the most basic level, there’s always something that someone else can do better than we can. Looking at that one thing instead of what someone is lacking is a good start. Each time I deal with someone, I need to stop looking at their shortcomings. There’s so much to gain by finding traits in others that I can grow from. That helps me come to grips with my own shortcomings.

But what about the person who took my parking space on the street? Or the person who is always interrupting me? Or the obnoxiously loud family at the park on Shabbos? Or the person who shoved me just get that last copy of Orchos Tzadikim that was on sale? Those people only have “shortcomings”.

Alright, sometimes when dealing with others we need a little creativity in the “dan l’kof zechus” department. I constantly tell myself enough that how I treat others is directly connected to my active relationship with Hashem.

By not focusing on others’ shortcomings I’m fulfilling the mitzvah of Ahavas Yisrael, which is a pretty good thing, in my opinion.

Geting Organized…

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Here’s an excerpt from an e-list newletter I subscribe to by written by Maria Gracia, from Get Organized Now!

Set a Time Budget

When it comes to making purchases, most people have an idea in their minds of what they’re willing to spend. You probably wouldn’t walk into a shoe store and say, ‘I will buy that pair of shoes no matter how much they cost.’ If the salesperson says the shoes cost $400, most people would not buy them. That’s because when it comes to making purchases, people set a budget in their minds of how much those shoes are really worth to them.
But what about when it comes to how you spend your time? Do you sometimes spend more time on certain tasks than they’re really worth? For instance, when it comes to cleaning your home do you spend an hour a day doing so? Two hours? Three hours? More than three hours? Is dusting really worth that much of your time? What about your other projects and appointments? How much is that time worth to you?

We all get the same amount of time each day–24 hours. At least 8 of those hours are allocated to sleeping. So, we all have approximately 16 hours when we’re awake.

By setting a time budget for certain activities, you will always ensure your time is being spent on what is most important to you, your family and your future.How much time are you willing to invest with a spouse or loved one? How many hours will you allocate to working, cleaning, exercising, eating or watching television?

Before doing anything, ask yourself how much time you’re willing to invest. Write those time investments down so you’re able to reference them regularly. Then, stick to your time budget.

Time isn’t an unlimited currency, so be sure to spend it wisely.

End of article.

For more ideas, feel free to check out the Get Organized Now! website. The monthly newsletters and blog are interesting.

My thoughts:
I’ve found that reading blogs and writing my content can take up a lot of time. With Elul around the corner and I know that I need to start craking down. Time is an element that we can mekadesh, or make holy. In fact, from what I’ve read and been told, Rav Soloveitchik was very into this concept of people being able to mikadesh certain days and physical objects. As I’ve posted on a few other blogs and, at least two emails to fellow readers, a close friend of mine and someone whom I look up to, mentioned to his son, on the occasion of his sons’ Bar Mitzvah, that “how we spend our free time defines who we are”. As I’ve been posting on my blog over the past 4 months, I find myself constantly thinking about that quote, if not every time I go online. So far the only thing I’ve figured out is that I need certain times set aside for online use at home. When time is up… I need to walk away. Time budgeting might be an answer. Any thoughts…

By the way, my name is Neil Harris, and I’m a Bloggaholic.

Using what Hashem gives you

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The follow was posted on the Areivim list by SBA and I felt it important to post here after getting permission for the orginal poster. A feel good story doesn’t hurt once in a while.

Paul Guez, Denim King, Bounces Back From Cocaine, Bankruptcy
(Bloomberg News) http://tinyurl.com/nxr74

“…Guez had unloaded the inventory on the Value City department store chain, owned by his friends, the Schottenstein clan of Columbus, Ohio. Following the sale in 1992, Guez got a life- changing proposition from patriarch Jerome Schottenstein, then 66. “I was broke, basically, and he says, `Paul, I would like you to participate in a charity. You have to pay $100,000,”’ Guez says. The charity was to pay for a new English translation of the Talmud, the sacred Jewish text. “I’m sure he knew I was broke,” Guez says of Schottenstein. “Then he sent a rabbi to make me sign a contract for $100,000. My wife exploded laughing, `Like from where?’ I didn’t know from where, but I did it.”
The “where” turned out to be the Schottensteins themselves. Soon after Guez agreed to make the donation, Jerome Schottenstein gave him an order for 12,000 pairs of jeans for Schottenstein’s Warrendale, Pennsylvania-based American Eagle Outfitters Inc. — enough to cover Guez’s donation. That was followed by an order for 650,000 pairs. To finance the product, Schottenstein lent Guez $500,000. “I didn’t even have a bank account,” Guez says.
After Schottenstein’s death in 1992, his son Jay sold Guez 1 million shares of American Eagle for $12 a share when the stock was trading at $16, even arranging a line of credit to finance the $12 million purchase price. The stock soared to more than $70 by 1999, making a now sober Guez wealthy again. “The family strongly believes the more you give, the more you get,” Schottenstein spokesman Michael Broidy says. “Good things happen if you do good things.”

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- # 9

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Orderliness: Carry out your responsibilities in all aspects in an orderly fashion

When I first read years ago, I was fairly organized. I use to keep tons of lists all organized by levels of importance and somehow over the years I’ve come to slack off a lot in this department. Family and work demands seem to have over-shadowed the importance of order, sadly. Perhaps blogging about this Midah will re-ignite my organizational skills (it would sure make my life easier in every aspect). At casual glance, it’s obvious why we had to learn about patience first. Calmly confront whatever circumstance presents itself. I know for myself, that I need a sense of clarity before I can have order.

An organized mind functions better than the opposite, so I’ve been told. In terms of mitzvah observance, ones’ daily seder is of the upmost importance. However, most things in life has a set order. For example: my cup of coffee. There’s a simple order to how it’s made. First I put the sugar in so that when the hot coffee is poured over it, the sugar dissolves right away, then I add, preferably, fat free half & half.

As I mentioned above, I know that over the years I’ve slacked off on the is Midah. I find that I get too frazzled quickly when I let my responsibilities stack up. This is a major lacking on my part. Rav Yisrael says I should carry out my responsibilities in all aspects in an orderly fashion. Order at the workplace is important. Even if one is disorganized, knowing what needs to be done first is key. Lack of order at home…yikes!
I’m always catching myself when I think about telling my son to clean up after himself. How many times am I guilty of what I expect him to do?

A line from Lecha Dodi come to mind: סוף מעשה במחשבה תחלה
sof ma’aseh bemachshavah techilah translated as “last in deed, but first in thought ” or the final outcome has been thought out at the beginning. This is a powerful concept that, in truth, might deserve its’ own posting in the future. If I know what my goal(s) should be then it’s easier to carry out any responsibility.

If you look at Pirkei Avos (5:7), it states that one of the seven characteristics of a wise person is that: He responds to first things first and to latter things later. This is a simple, yet practical application of the Midah.

True confession time. This post has taken me a few days to compose. Several parts were, in fact, written at different times. I thought that writing about Zerius was difficult, that was nothing. (Now what I’m about to say might be repeated in a future posting, I apologize in advance.) One of the purposes of blogging about the 13 Midos was to engage in a long over due Cheshbon HaNefesh. I hadn’t really done a serious one in about 5-6 years. I figured that using Rav Yisrael’s 13 Midos would be a rather good platform for tackling basic areas of improvement. While my writing has, B”H, been fluid with the other 8 midos, this one got me stuck. I guess the realization that I’ve lost my grip on the midah of seder hit me in the face. As this blog has helped me my own Avodas Hashem, having to write about this particular midah is a step for me in Tikun HaMidos. Thanks for tagging along.

A Letter in the Yated

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Below is a part of a letter to the editors of the Yated. It is titled “WHEN THE CITY COMES TO THE MOUNTAINS”, and discusses the problems that sometimes come up when we go upstate.

The formula for this problem is more or less as follows: The people living here are not used to the ‘givens’ of life in New York City. Mix that with the frustrations of a massive increase in population, a measure of various preconceived notions, a dash of hatred, and a pinch of some really foolish behavior, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. (If a reader does not agree that a chillul Hashem is a disaster, then this letter is not for him.)
So it’s not hard to understand why it irks people waiting fifteen minutes more than usual in Shop-Rite to see someone in front of them continue to add items to their grocery cart. And it’s not hard to imagine the reaction of the year-round drivers when one of the thousands of extra cars crowding the streets stops in the middle of the road to let somebody on or off, (which itself is an issue that is a problem in many communities all year round and should be corrected).
It is probably a bit hard for a city person to have a feel for the problem because he doesn’t have an idea of how different it is when things are quiet around here. Thus, he does not know how much, what goes on during the summer, makes a difference to the country folk. It is well known to those frum Yidden living here year-round that the friendly faces that might greet them from behind a local sales counter during the winter months can be expected to become cold and unwelcoming in July and August. During the winter, you do not have to watch so that you are not accused of cutting the line, whereas during the summer, if you are not careful, it could easily happen.
If I were to try to compose a list of the possible situations where the danger of this problem lies, it would probably be too long for this column, let alone this letter; but I know that anyone who has a heart to care about it also has a head to know where to be careful.
Again, I’m not coming to write an essay about the gravity of chillul Hashem; I’m just trying my luck at helping raise awareness of the fact that there is a serious issue here during the summer which is worth bearing in mind.
I do want to share one final thought which I found to be powerful. Even though a person does not usually have control over anyone but himself (and possibly his family), it is very likely that with one genuine act of kiddush Hashem, he can make a positive impression upon an outsider which outweighs and outshines the negative ideas that may have been conceived thorough the actions of others – the same way a small ray of light can overtake a room full of darkness. May we be zoche to be the ones who reflect the light and the sweetness of the Torah to the eyes of the nations.Sincerely wishing everyone a great summer.
P.S. If any good comes out of this letter, it should be a zechus for the Yidden in Eretz Yisroel.
Concerned
Sullivan County, N. Y
The suggestion highlighted above is so simple, yet powerful. I’m constantly reminding myself that I have no idea what impact I can make on another person. As the media and the world turns its’ eyes towards Israel we need to remember that our neighbors, co-workers, and people we see in the street are watching us, as well. If interested, I’ll be happy to email the entire letter to anyone interested. Good Shabbos and thanks for reading.

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- #8

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Patience: Calmly confront whatever circumstance presents itself; absorb each blow that life brings

I should probably tape this to my rear-view mirror. I’ll explain…
As a general rule, I’m fairly patient. At times, my two Uberdox kids do grind my nerves, but I love them, and usually that love over-rides any impatience I might have. I use to be the opposite. This is a midah that I work on constantly. Sometimes I’ll notice myself geting uptight, or impatient and just stop what I’m doing and count backwards from 30 to 1. That usually helps me. I find that when I’m driving someplace and I can’t control the flow of traffic, or a red light, or someone not using their turn signal, is when I feel that lack of patience creep in.

Rav Yisrael implores us to “calmly confront whatever circumstance presents itself“. I guess I need to review my notes on Tranquility (Find an inner calmness; do not be overwhelmed; always act with deliberation). If I go into every situtation with true menucha then a direct result should be savlanus. No matter what difficulty arises I have the ability to approach it with patience.

Look, this might seem like fluff, but it’s true. At least, for me it is. I’m not anyone special. I struggle with tuition payments, have trouble waking up in the morning, and I’m blogging instead of getting of collecting laundry. I also believe in how Rav Salanter’s Midos can help change me and make me into a better Jew. Life is difficult, there’s no question. Sometimes our Yeter Hara works overtime. I wrote, very personally, about that in my last posting. The RAMCHAL, in Mesillas Yesharim, states that life isn’t meant to be easy. It’s suppose to be a challenge. I have, at times faced horrific life situations and ordeals. I also once really hurt myself building my sukkah. Life is not meant to always be a trip to Six Flags. When things don’t go right, I need to exercise patience. Patience is something that I can control and use to my advantage.

Absorb each blow that life brings. That’s our job in life. Relationships don’t work out the way we always plan them to. Our car doesn’t start in the morning. You put salt in your coffee on day instead of sugar (I did this once at work, it was December 1995. I will never make that mistake again). I need to be like a sponge or some NASA-spawned space foam that absorbs every difficulty. I don’t need to stop each blow that life brings (read challenge), but I do need to slow them down. If I let challenges and difficulties get buffered before I internalize them, it’s probably easier to cope.

There are some things that I’m impatient for. Today, listening and say kinos, I couldn’t wait for our Galus to end. I’m still waiting. I can’t wait for a huge cup of coffee (I can’t help it, I love coffee). I really didn’t really miss listening to music, although Piamenta will be played tomorrow at work. I also couldn’t wait to daven Mincha today. I truly missed my tallis and tefillin this morning. I felt a lacking. Maybe that was the point.

I was, thanks to technology, able listen to Rav Moshe Weinberger’s teleconference tonight before mincha. I felt a little guilty. I think I enjoyed it too much (Frum Idlealist knows exactly what I mean). One thing he said that really hit home was that then the Churban happened Klal Yisrael was hit with a moment of emes. We realized that we didn’t have our Father with us anymore. Rav Weinberger used the example of when a child is sent away from the Shabbos table. The child cries and cries because they miss their mom and dad… and they miss a chance for a bracha. We’ve been sent away from the Shabbos table, twice now.

Parashas Va’eschanan starts out with Moshe pleading to go into Eretz Yisrael. Hashem answers, “It is too much for you!” (pasuk 26). Rashi says that much more is in store for you (in Olam Haba). More that the land of Eretz Yisrael. Much is the goodness that is kept for you. (Sifrei)

We see from this that good things come to those who wait. It’s not just patience, it’s how we exercise it that matters. I hope you have a good Shabbos Kodesh.

Several of Rav Weinberger’s shiurim are available for free by clicking here. I found the “Judging Others Favorably” mp3 to be excellent. Check it out, if you have time.
I hope you have a good Shabbos Kodesh and a comforting one, as well. Thanks for reading.

Midah #7- A personal story

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If you haven’t figured it out, I will not finish all 13 Midos by Tisha B’Av. It’s taken a lot more introspection that I thought it would to post on the Midos. I’m glad I’ve been doing it and will continue until they are completed.

I was going to tell this story in the previous comments section of Midah #7, but it deserves its’ own posting.

This is a true story and I only write it to emphasis Midah # 7 and the importance of trying to be a Mentch Yisrael. It isn’t meant as a rant or to cause friction between Jews.

Two summers ago, my family and I went to Upstate NY. We decided to drive into Woodbourne and get something to eat. I, of course, wanted to go check out the seforim store (which happens to rock). As I walk in, I say hello to the owner and ask if he’s having a nice day. “Baruch Hashem,” he replies.

We proceed to browse around and get a few items. A kippah for my son, a few kids books, a believe I got an Artscroll Mishnah, and a copy of the Chofetz Chaim’s Lesson a Day (a real deal for only $7.99). As I’m look around the store I notice a father with his two high school sons standing by the cash register. I see the father look at me and then hear him say, “People like him come in to a store like this? What would he want with seforim?”

Note: I was wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants.

Then the owner says to this man and his sons, “Yes, people like him shop here. And guess what? When he walked in, he said hello to me and asked how I am. When you came in you didn’t say a word to me. I’d take a customer like him anyday.” This guy is my hero.

What this man and his kids were wearing and where they fell on the hashkafa chart doesn’t matter.

You can look decent and be a mensch or you can go “casual” and be a mensch. Just be a mensch.