Category Archives: Middos

Ice cold chessed

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At work we have fabulous ice trays in the freezer. They make really nice big ice cubes, perfect for iced coffee. I have noticed that some people use ice and others don’t. Some who use the ice will, sometimes, refill the ice cube trays, while others don’t seem to bother. One of the fundamental teachings of R Dessler was that people, at their essence, are either givers or takers.

Even with ice cubes.

Laugh if you want. It’s only ice, right? However, getting people, especially children, to realized this concept is extremely importantl in character development. I know that when I choose to give, I make everyone around me much happier. Since Purim (a yom tov that contains a mitzvah to give) I have been attempting to teach this concept to my kids. I realized that an easy act of giving was for my 8 yr old son to bring his 6 year old sister her breakfast or dinner from the kitchen to the dining room table and let his sister do the same for him. At first there was some resistance, but eventually both of them have started doing this on their own.

Ice, a smile, a kind word, or even a bowl of cereal makes a difference.

If…

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“If you had to name one thing that repeatedly makes you angriest, what would it be?”

This question is from the book IF…Volume 2 by Evelyn McFarlane and James Saywell.

Keep in mind that the Bal Shem Tov taught that when we we see negative traits in others we probably have that same trait in ourselves.

Where Hashem’s Shechinah resides

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During an Avos U’banim (father and son) learning program on Shabbos I had a discussion with my son (entering 3rd grade) and one of his friends (entering 5th grade) about behavior and kavod (honor) that we need to have while in a shul or beis midresh.

I quoted the Gemora in Megillah 29a that states the since the destruction of the Beis HaMikdash (Holy Temple) Hashem’s Shechinah (Presense) which use to reside in the the Beis HaMikdash, now on a certain level resides in a beis haknesses (shul) and beis hamidrash (study hall).

My son’s friend piped up, “I thought that Hashem is everywhere?”
My son then quickly quoted the famous Uncle Moishy lines, “Hashem is here, Hashem is there…Hashem is truly everywhere.”

They brought up a good point. I submitted to the following analogy to hopefully explain this concept:

We know that the sun give us light all over the section of the Earth that it shines upon. However if you were to take a magnifying glass and put a leave under it, with some careful focusing you can focus part of the sun’s light and burn a leaf (this was a favorite activity of mine when I was younger). By doing this we are not taking away any of the light that’s being shined by the sun. So to, as I explained to my son and his friend, when we say that Hashem’s Shechinah resides in both shuls and batei midrashim, it doesn’t mean that Hashem is only in these places and not everywhere else. The Shechina itself is only being re-focused in certain locations. That focusing of doesn’t take away from Hashem being everywhere.

As heard from R Paysach Krohn…

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Last month I had the privilege to hear Rabbi Paysach Krohn speak about “Being a Jew in today’s workplace”. One of the most important things I felt that he said over was that we must strive to be emesdik and ehrliech when dealing with both Jews and non-Jews. He said we can become close to Hashem by being honest. He then quoted a Rabbeinu Bechaye that is gevaldik.

Rabbeinu Bechaye says this importance of honesty brought in the first words of the Torah. Every nekuda is in the first pasuk of the Torah, except the shuruk. He explains that this is because the letters which spell the word shuruk (shin-reish-kuf)can also be rearranged to spell the word sheker (shin-kuf-reish), lying, and because sheker cannot be even hinted to in foundation of the Torah. Hashem created this world to be a place based on truth, there was no room for sheker!

"Headlong into harm"

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A Simple Jew commented here and asked me how I interpret the following said in the name of R Yisrael Lipkin of Salant: When running to complete a Mitzvah, one can destroy an entire world on the way.
I think the following two vignettes about R Yisrael should be told in order before I continue:
A) When asked to tell something over about Pesach, R Yisrael would tell his talmidim prior to Pesach that they should be careful to be nice to the widows that bake the shum’ra matza they purchase before Pesach.

B) R Yisrael was once asked to tell over a thought prior to starting davening on Yom Kippur. He told those around him that they should be careful before davening that night when they put on their tallisism and not hit the person behind them with the tzitzis of their own tallis.

Clearly being, what was viewed at the time, as highly sensitive to others was a major part of R Yisrael’s Avodas Hashem. He put a re-emphasis on mitzvos Bein Adam L’Chavero that seemed to be lacking in the mid-to-late 1800’s. For him, in fact, Bein Adam L’Chavero was an aspect of Bein Adam L’Makom.

Shabbos night two weeks ago (just after R Yisrael’s Yartzeit) I actually read the above quote to my 8yr old. I gave him the above examples and also asked him if it would be fair if he was running a race and decided to trip someone he was running against so that he could win. Of course, he thought that it would be unfair and not a “real win”. Then I used a senario that was more close to home. When we are late to shul Shabbos morning (this is a real life example) and we rush into the beis medresh so that we can get two seats together, how would Hashem look at us if we bumped into several people on the way and distrubed their kavana as they were davening to Hashem?

This is probably what R Yisrael was speaking about…frumkeit. Let me use my zerizus to do whatever I need to do to, and another’s expense, to fullfill my mitzvah. That’s what the founder of the Mussar movement was up against. I see the same thing when people go shopping and grab the last package of sushi pushing aside someone’s shopping cart or a parent cuttting off cars so that they can get a prime spot in the ‘car line’ at school. To some, it might not seem like a chiddush to be thoughtful. Others, just might not think. If each mitzvah that we do creates a malach and each person is considered a ‘world’, then how careful must we be that the path we make towards fullfilling even the ‘smallest’ mitzvah doesn’t totally destroy the proverbial flower garden that belongs to our neighbor?

Parsha Vayigash

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For the past few years I have found the following pasukim to be a bit confusing…

Now Joseph could not bear all those standing beside him, and he called out, “Take everyone away from me!” So no one stood with him when Joseph made himself known to his brothers. And he wept out loud, so the Egyptians heard, and the house of Pharaoh heard. -Berashis 45:1-2 quoted from here.

I know that Rashi on the first pasuk says that by sending the Mitzriem away Yosef was being sensitive as so not to embarrass his brothers. Rashi is teaching us a very important lesson. However, why does the pasuk say that the Egyptians and Paro heard Yosef cry?

I was thinking about this and I might have found a lesson in it for me. R Yisrael Salanter said that, “One’s face is considered a r’shus harabim (public area)”, after he saw someone in the street looking very depressed. I think there is a fine line between wearing one’s heart on one’s sleeve and being completely deadpan or non-emotional in the public arena.

Yosef was always setting an example not only as viceroy, but as a Jewish leader. It is common to want to be senstive to others, as Yosef was to his brothers. At times, by putting others’ needs before one’s own, one can tend to forget about himself and his feelings. I think Yosef needed to cry as an expression of his emotions before his brothers. I believe he also wanted Egypt to hear a more ‘human’ side of him, not just him as Paro’s right hand man.

To be someone who thinks about others’ feelings, and at time same time not negate their own is, in Yosef’s case, all in the timing. I hope you have a Gut Shabbos Kodesh!

Habits

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We all have them. Some of them are good, others are not so good. Some manifest themselves as traits, middos (tov v’ra), and personality quarks. Here are a couple of examples of habits that I’ve taken note of over the past few months:

1. We spent about a month before Rosh Hashana trying (with success in the end) to de-Crocify our son. He spent a fun filled summer wearing his Crocs almost every day. While we were happy to see him enjoying them, the downside is that once you start wearing Crocs your foot feels very confined in anything else (I will attest to this). Throughout Elul he had been wearing his new Shabbos/Yom Tov shoes around the house so that he can get use to them. At first there was great resistance. “They are not a comfortable as my Crocs”, was a common line from him. With patience and effort he successfully wore ‘regular’ shoes all Rosh Hashanah without too many complaints (only to relish in the fact that he could rock his Crocs on Yom Kippur). I realized during the month that were letting him get use to his Shabbos shoes, that some habits are easier to break with when attacking them in small doses (like slowly chiseling away at something bit by bit). This technique is used in popular Shemiras Ha’Lashon programs, where in individual makes a commitment not to speak Lashon Horah from a set amount of time.

2. Recently we stayed with my brother-in-law, his family, and their two dogs. My one year old Uberbaby daughter was not to hip to the dogs at all. For the first 5 days she could cry if a dog came near her. We debated about what to do to get her acclimated to the pets. At first we tried to get her to pet them and sit next to them. Well, she happens to be a pretty fast crawler and is becoming a confident walker, too. So we then opted to do nothing. We simply allowed her to get use to seeing us interact with the dogs and go about our business. Within, as I wrote, 5 days, her fear was gone. She would pet them and even give them her food. This approach of breaking a habit by watching others set an example happens to be one of the most effective middos management tools used both in chinuch and more importantly, in the home.

3. I do a lot of our grocery shopping. Usually, I’ll pick up non-food items at one store and then get actual food at one of several stores in the area. Because of time constraints prior to the Yom Tovim this year I found myself doing massive shopping at one store that has both non-food, food, and extensive kosher deli/bakery/take-out as well (if you live in Chicago, the name of the store happens to rhyme with the word cool) and it seemed to take forever. I was very frustrated by this. Mostly by the fact that I wasn’t so familiar with all the aisles and where certain products were. I was in the habit of not knowing my way around the store.

After Yom Kippur I was reading an article in Fast Company (one of my favorite websites and mags) about Design Thinking and I realized that I could use the concepts behind design thinking to help me with my grocery shopping issue. In brief, if you haven’t read the entire article yet, the ideas behind Design Thinking are:

  1. Define the problem
  2. Create and consider many options
  3. Refine selected directions
  4. Pick the winner, execute

Applying the steps of Design Thinking to spending less time in a particular grocery store might look like this:

  1. The problem is that I don’t know my way around
  2. My options might be that I could study a map of the store, do more shopping there, spend my lunch hour walking around the store to see where things are, or just not change a thing
  3. Doing more shopping there might help, but the learning curve will be slow. I like the idea of spending my lunch hour there. The extra exercise wouldn’t hurt me.
  4. I started walking around the store and I feel like I have a better grasp of which aisle I can find things like: plastic wrap, flour, rubbing alcohol, chullent beans, and toothpaste.

One cool thing about the first step (Define the problem) is that it really make you think. At first glance, it might seem like the problem was that grocery shopping took to long. That’s really not the problem. The problem was that I didn’t know my way around the store.
The Design Thinking approach can also help with things like anger. Why do we get angry? Usually it seems on the surface to be for different reasons. I’ll use the example that happens to me. I get upset or angry sometimes when my son doesn’t do something right away when I ask him (of course this is only a reflection of the same lacking on my own part). But that’s not the real reason I get angry. I was zoche to be in Woodmere, NY to hear Rav Moshe Weinberger’s 2005 Shabbos Shuva drasha at Aish Kodesh (totally rainy night, thunderstorms, and over 1000 people showed up). The following is based on my own notes:

Why do we scream and get angry? When we miss the train or when your wife burns the kugel. Why do you yell at your kid? You yell at your kid for not cleaning his room. For something like not looking in the zemiros book? That is what kids do. Rav Kook says the source of your anger is with yourself, because you can’t control yourself. It’s not due to the people that are trying to be good to you and love you.

In my case, the emes is that I get upset because I feel that what I ask to be done should be done right away. It’s guyvahdik, plain and simple. Rav Kook’s words seem to imply that it’s all about a lack of self control. Either we feel that we need to be in control or we simple have no control over our anger.

If anyone has any ideas about dealing with habits, I’d love to hear them. Thanks for reading.

Parshas Re’eh

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We learn the mitzvah of tzedakka from this weeks’ parsha.

It says “If there will be among you a needy person, from one of your brothers in one of your cities, in your land the Lord, your God, is giving you, you shall not harden your heart, and you shall not close your hand from your needy brother.” (15:8).

Sefer HaChinuch, says (mitzvah # 479) that part of fullfilling the mtizvah of tzedakka isn’t just giving a poor person money. It applies to a wealthy person who needs something as well. What is really interesting is that the mitzvah can also be fullfilled (according to the Chinuch) by giving someone in need: food, items, a gesture, or even a kind word to make them feel better.

The Vilna Goan (from R Z Pliskin’s LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR) says that based on the pasuk using the word ‘hand’ we learn that all of ones’ fingers seem to be the same lengh when a fist is closed. When you open up your hand you see that each finger is a different length, just like each persons’ needs are different when it comes to tzedakka.

Of course a kind word or action, as tzedakka, might also fullfill the mitzvah of Chessed. For example, (not to blow my own shofar, but only to so that simple actions make a difference) I recently was visited by some people fundrasing for an institution in E”Y. In edition to giving to them a donation , I also asked if they would like me to make photocopies of their ‘lettters of introduction’, so they could leave with people who were too busy to meet with them. They were very thankful for this simple act.

Gut Shabbos Kodesh.