Middos and Manners

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There was a great article titled Developing Middos: Learned or Experienced? by Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin that appeared years ago in Jewish Observer and was later published in the Artscroll book, Timeless Parenting. The article, in my humble opinion, is worth printing out to read at your convenience.

Dr. Sorotzkin, ends the article with a section titled, “Middos or Politeness?” that I thought of last week, after coming to our childrens’ day school to drop off a drink for my daughter. As I gave the drink to my 7 yr old (I had forgotten to pack in her lunch), she said, “Thanks, Abba.” Her teacher looked at her and said, “What beautiful middos you have.”

Is saying, “Thank you”, looked at as good middos?  It could be.  I think that when a child or adult has to make a choice in behavior, we are exercising middos.  If we are teaching our children that the reason we say “thank you” is because it’s nice to acknowledge someone doing something nice for you, then the “thank you” is regulated to good manners.  Here are some examples, off the top of my yarmulka covered head, that can be looked at either as middos or manners:

  • Getting up and standing for a Rabbi
  • Not running in shul
  • Saving the last piece of cake for someone else
  • Giving a siddur to a visitor in shul

Like most things in life, Hashem has gives us the opportunity to infuse a simple action with kedusha.  Keeping our eyes open for those opportunities is the tricky part.

The Koach of Torah

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Today marks the 8th Yartzeit of Rav Ahron Soloveichik z”tl.
In the fall of 1989, I was a freshmen at YU.  As I recall classes had been barely going on for even a week and I saw a flyer in my dorm about a shiur on Lecture about “Hilchos Teshuva”.

I was fresh out of public school and had been observant for just over two years, at the time. Through my high school involvement with NCSY I had heard the name “Soloveichik” (although usually in reference to the Rav, who spelled it “Soloveitchik) quite a bit and had even read an article written by Rav Ahron regarding a Jew’s place in non-Jewish socieity. I was curious what this “Rabbi Ahron Soloveichk” was like and figured it would be cool thing to hear him lecture (the term “shiur” wasn’t in my vocabulary back then).

I showed up a few minutes early, which was easy since the lecture took place in the “shul” in my dorm building, and took a front row seat. Slowly the chairs filled up. I recall seeing a lot of older YU guys, probably semicha students. Slowly, I heard mumbling and some commotion from the back of the room, as two gentlemen escorted an elderly man who was using a walker, the Rav Ahron Soloveichik.

To me he looked frail and I remember being inpressed that he was able to use a walker, despite having had a stroke in 1983. Slowly he made his way to the table in the front of ths shul. The two men who accompanied him helped Rav Ahron transition from the walker to the seat at the table. Again, the one word that came mind was “frail”.

It is commonly know that even if one doesn’t understand a language, it is very possible that you can get an idea of what a speaker is talking about by emotions that come through in the spoken word. Rav Ahron’s shiur on “Hilchos Teshuva” was given in English, my native language, but I really didn’t understand much of it, I sadly admit. Based on my background at the time, most of the quotes from the Rambam and, what must have been, the brilliant analysis on the part of Rav Ahron were really lost on me. I did, however, take away something just as meaningful and memorable.

When Rav Ahron Soloveichik sat down at that table to begin his shiur, he was hunched down with head just about at the height of the table. As he started speaking his voice was soft, but as he continued his voice got stronger. Almost in sync with the strength of his voice, with each word of Torah that came from his lips, he seemed to start sitting more and more upright. He started moving his arms as he spoke and became animated. By the middle of the shiur his voice was booming and he seem to be sitting fully erect. It was almost like a different person was speaking. As I’ve looked back over the years at this incident, I realized that what I had witnessed was the true Koach of Torah.

Learning Torah and being able to teach Torah changes a person. For Rav Ahron Soloveichik Torah was a lifeline, I saw that with my own eyes! It connected him and gave him incredible strength. I was zoche to see that evening that the Torah wasn’t simply something that we took out three times a week from the Aron Kodesh, nor was a collection of stories, teachings, or laws. The term, “Toras Chaim” comes to mind. The Torah is a living Torah and Rav Ahron both received strength from it and used that strength to give over the Torah to future generations.

May his neshma have an aliyah.

Help Rabbi Mike Win $25,000 for the Teens of St. Louis

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A current friend and former collegue of mine, Rabbi Mike Rovinsky, was nominated as “Jewish Community Hero” and can get $25,000.00 to help Jewish teens in St. Louis, MO.  I received the following email from him:

Dear Friends,

OK, I am sure you are tired of getting emails and facebook notices to vote for me to win this contest.  I am sorry.  However, thanks to your support, we are #13.  That’s great, but the rest of the pack is catching up and the big push is now for the next 9 days.  It’s over on Oct. 8th at 11:59. 

To maintain our standing, WE REALLY need your vote!  Please click here   (if it does not work please paste the following URL into your browser http://www.jewishcommunityheroes.org/nominees/profile/mike-rovinsky/

Please take one minute twice a day and vote.  You can vote multiple times using cell phone, lap top, different computers.  It is all kosher and legal.  We don’t need to be number one, just in the top 20, but top 10 would be even better.  You also do NOT need to register or leave an email address.

Thank you!

Rabbi Mike

TEXT OF PREVIOUS EMAIL
Unbeknownst to me, I was recently nominated as a “Jewish Community Hero” for my work with teens in the broader St. Louis Jewish Community and in various organizations I am involved in i.e. JSU, NCSY, Tichon and Camp Nageela Midwest. There have been hundreds of nominees, so it really wasn’t a big deal until I saw that we really have a shot at winning this thing.  The top 20 vote getters appear before a panel of UJC (National Organization for Jewish Federations).  They will select 5 winners.  The top prize is $25,000 for  the non-profits I work with. 

Now for the embarrassing part.  I really need your votes.  I am actually number 13.  But the gap is tight between me and number 20.  Therefore, I must start to ask people to take 1 minute a day to please vote for me each day from now until Oct. 8th.  Your vote is NOT for me but for the kids.  So please help me win this thing.

 There is some stiff competition out there, but we can do it with your help.  I get nothing for winning other than the satisfaction of “raising” $25,000 for programming and scholarships.

All you need to do is click here and press the “VOTE” button. It is done anonymously. You can vote once every 12 hours, so please continue to vote every day! Voting ends October 8th. Please pass this on to your friends and family!

http://www.jewishcommunityheroes.org/nominees/profile/mike-rovinsky/

Thank you so much!  L’Shana Tova & Happy New Year

ABOUT THE CONTEST: The Jewish Community Heroes campaign celebrates the selflessness and courage of those who put others before themselves. This is our community’s opportunity to shine a national spotlight on the unsung, whether their work impacts five people or 5,000.

The Hero of the Year will be provided with $25,000 to be used as an investment in their community project or non-profit effort via his or her local Jewish Federation, or another recognized 501(c)3 charitable entity or Canadian equivalent, and he or she will be invited to and recognized at next year’s General Assembly. The remaining four finalists will receive a smaller amount to be used as an investment in their community project or non-profit effort via their local Jewish Federations, or recognized 501(c)3 charitable entities or Canadian equivalent.

How to open the heart

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In a shiur I recently downloaded (thanks to Hirhurim‘s Joel Rich)  given by Rabbi Benji Levene, a grandson of Reb Aryeh Levin, I heard the following story. Rabbi Levene once asked his zaide, “How did you manage to open up so many chilonim, non-relgious people, to relate to other people and open their hearts to so many beautiful things in Yiddishkeit? What was your mazel?”

Reb Aryeh answered:
There was one a son and a father that came to a rebbe and they were holding a winter coat that they owned.
The father said, “Rebbe, we have a coat. One coat only that we own. Coming winter now, I need the coat, I’m an old man. I need to have this coat. My son doesn’t feel the cold the way that I do.
The son said, “Rebbe, my father sits home the whole day and I go out and bring in parnassah. I go out in the cold, he’s at home. I need this coat.

The rav is left with a problem. He can’t say “cut it in half” because then they both won’t have a coat. He has to give them an answer, though. He thinks for a minute and says, “I’ll give you an answer tomorrow. Come back tomorrow, but when you come back each of you needs to take the other person’s side. Then I’ll give you an answer.”

They came back the next day with the coat and the father tells the rebbe, “I have a coat and it belongs to my son.”
The son then says, “I have a coat and it belongs to my father.”
The rav opens his closet to reveal a coat hanging there. The rebbe says, “It’s no problem, you both have a coat for the winter.”

The father looks at the coat and says, “Rebbe can I ask you one more question? When we were here yesterday, was that coat in the closest?” The rebbe answers that it was in closet yesterday.
“So why didn’t you give it to us yesterday? Why did we have to come back today?”

The rebbe replied, “You don’t understand. When you came to me yesterday and the father said, “I have a coat and it’s mine” and the son said. “I have a coat and it’s mine”, I thought, “I also have a coat in the closet and it’s mine.”
“When you came to me today and the father says, “I have a coat and it’s his”, and the son says, “I have a coat and it’s his”, I said to myself, “I have a coat and it’s yours.”

Rabbi Levene concludes, “If you want to open up another person’s heart to yours, then open your heart to that other person. You will see how wonderful, how much magic there will be in the way that other person will open up their heart to yours.” (End of story)

Aside from being a great story for anyone in kiruv or chinuch, I think as a husband and a parent, I will try in the upcoming year to really keep this story in mind. When the uniform clothes that were picked out (and aggreeded upon) prior to going to bed are not exactly what my daughter wants to wear when she wakes up or my son tells me that other kids go to bed much later than he does, I will try to put myself there and open my heart a bit wider.

Rav Frand’s 2009 Teshuva drasha

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Tonight, thanks to my wife, I was able to hear and record Rav Frand’s Teshuva drasha live at Cong. Shaarei Tzedek Mishkan Yair and sponsored by the Chicago Community Kollel.  It was great.  He addresses why our efforts to do Teshuva seem to start out strong in the beginning of each new year and then as time goes on these feeling seem to go away.  His suggestion on how to keep that feeling alive is awesome and will change your life.   It is really worth listening to between now and Yom Kippur, but I have removed the link, sorry.

UPDATE:  I have currently removed the link to allow one to listen to the shiur.  If you did listen to the shiur that I previously posted, I think it’s only fair that you make a donation to the Yad Yechiel Institute.
Make Checks Payable to: Yad Yechiel Institute
P.O. Box 511 / Owings Mills, Maryland 21117- 0511

Speeding for thrills

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The photo above was taken with the camera on my cell phone.  It’s actually the rollercoaster cars of the Vertical Velocity (V2) ride at Six Flags Great America zipping past me at 70 miles per hour (from 0-70 in four seconds).
Growing up, I was wasn’t a big rollercoaster fan.  I wasn’t scared of them, but there was always that thought in my head (especially with wooden coasters, which are the best to ride on) that if I was on a ride and the car flew off the track, oh man, that would probably hurt.  As I got older I began to be less worried about this.  It’s not because my Bitachon was so great, but I realized that the odds were pretty good that nothing so horrific would happen to me.  I remember in high school reading an old interview with Abraham Maslow and he was asked what things he was sure of in life.  His answer was great.  He said that he was fairly sure that when he sat down in a chair that the chair wouldn’t break.  He based this on the fact that he has never fallen on the floor from sitting on a broken chair.  I think the same is true for most amusement park rides.
So, a week ago last Sunday I found myself in line for the V2 with my friend’s 5th grader son.  This kid loves coasters.  I happened to be the only one out of three adults willing to go with him on the ride- ok, I really wanted to go on the ride, too.  As I stood in line I was talking with a few people and found out that most of them were repeat customers for the V2.  They loved the speed and the felling of the straight 185-foot vertical freefall drop.  I stood in line, watched the cars race past me and thought about saying some Tehillim.  I got on and kept telling myself that as long as we stay on the tracks we’ll be fine.  I admit the freefall drop is pretty scary, but cool.  I got off the ride and it was over for me.  Of course, my companion wanted to again, but I said once was enough for me.
I get it, it’s fun.  But why go on any it again?   The best answer I can come up with is that people want to relive that initial thrill.  I can sympathize.  I remember my first real Shabbos.  I recall an awesome Shalosh Seudos with great niggunim.  I will never forget my first date with my wife.  We all want to go back, somehow.  The problem I have in attempting to use this real-life analogy is that it seems like you are going no where fast if you settle to go back on the same ride again and again.  Essentially you are choosing a thrill of comfort.


There are other rides based on the same principles of physics and speed in the amusement park of Yiddishkeit.  Life shouldn’t always be the same.  As I get closer to Rosh Hashana I feel more and more like I don’t really want to reach a level of ruchnius like I had on my “best Rosh Hashana ever”.  That isn’t creating something chadash, new.  That simply is going on the same ride again and somehow I don’t believe that is what Hashem wants from me this time.

Sunday’s Spark of Mussar

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Rav Yisrael Lipkin of Salant
On the eve of Rosh Hashanah, Rav Yisrael Salanter would instruct each member of the family how to behave.  He would warn them against getting angry and against idle conversation, for they were all in grave danger.  Their carefulness was to last at least through the morning when the judgement is strictest.


From Sparks of Mussar by R Chaim Ephraim Zaitchik