Advice from my father-in-law a"h

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The 12th of Cheshvon, marks the 3rd yartzeit of my father-in-law, Dan HaLevi ben Aaron a”h, Dan Huth.

My father-in-law a”h had a very unsual knack for telling over very pithy sayings and coming up with on-target analogies that seemed to make things crystal clear.  My wife happened to have inherited that trait, too.  One of my favorite sayings of his (I’m not sure of the origin of this saying, sorry) is:

If you are throwing roses to someone and it hits them like bricks, then you are throwing bricks.

Often it’s easy something to someone and have it taken the wrong way.  Usually we’re not aware of it, and it’s an honest mistake.  However, even if it wasn’t your intention, your words can end up hurting someone else.  This is called onaas devarim.  Most people are aware of when they say something hurtful, it s a conscious decision.  But, many times we think we are giving a compliment or offering advice and what we end up doing is throwing bricks.  I’ve seen this happen too often (and mostly I’m the one throwing bricks).

Over Tishrei I decided that we (my family, that is) needs to work on being more sensitive to onaas devarim, so starting this Shabbos Kodesh I’m attempting to go through sections of R Zelig Pliskin’s book on this topic, THE POWER OF WORDS, at each Shabbos meal.  Hopefully it will make us more sensitive to the importance of what we say and, more importantly, how we say things.

Written as an aliyah for the neshama of Dan HaLevi ben Aaron

My dad a"h and his barber

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Photo from here

We often read about “acts of chessed (kindness)” and the importance of think of others and what their needs are. Last Shabbos, while speaking with the best friend of my father a”h, I discovered something amazing. My father would always pay for his haircuts a year in advance. He did this because he knew that there would be times when people would cancel their appointments with his barber and because times were tough. My father did many things like this, always trying to think of how he could help someone else. He wasn’t “yeshiva educated” or well versed in books regarding Jewish ethics. He was simply a person who tried to think of others.

(Originally written and posted on my blog at madrega.com)

Sunday’s Salanter Selection

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Rabbi Yisrael Salanter says:
Persons who are in economic or other trouble will energetically seek to improve their lot.  Why should people, who are in one kind of moral trouble or another, likewise seek to extricate themselves from evil and pursue the path of morality?

From Ohr Yisrael (the collected letters of RYS complied by R Yitzchak Blazer)
Available in Hebrew or English

A local favorite

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(Photo from here)

Growing up, I thought it was normal to have a 44 foot tall sculpture of an Indian warrior in your city.  Above is the structure known to all as the Keeper of the Plains, located in Wichita, Kansas at the point where the Little Arkansas (pronounced in Kansas as Ar-kansas) and the Big Arkansas rivers merge.  During a short visit to Wichita last week I stopped by to see the Keeper.  It’s still there, standing tall.  A symbol of the greatness of Native American culture that existed long before Kansas was even a state.  Oops, I almost got policital for a second, sorry.

The scupture was designed by a Native American artist named  Blackbear Bosin and it happens to be a local landmark.  It also happens to a bit on the unusual side, I admit.  It just stands there, being proud and facing the point where the two rivers meet.  My parents took me there several times when I as younger.  It was always a destination when relatives came to visit.  It’s name defines it, it symbolically stands guard over the land, keeping it safe and allowing residents to use the plains as they see fit.  To plant, grow, build, to make the plains their home.  Hmm… I think I’m waxing lyrical a bit too much.

Really, it’s only cool if you’re from Wichita, because it’s local.  Like the local sports team that everyone follows.  Like the local bands in any given music scene that only you have heard of.  Like the local Rav that does more outreach in a week than most people do in a year.  Like the local restaurant that makes that one item that you can’t get anywhere on either coast.  Like the local one guy in shul who seems to know all the answers in every halacha shiur.  Like the local short-cut that will get you home faster than the main streets.
It’s all of those little things that make us feel comfortable when we are “home”.  Having that bond of “common knowledge” can bring people closer together.

We are all, in some ways, locals.  However, we are also just visiting.

Writer looking for gerim inspired by chassidish teachings

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Pic from JewishIdaho.com

 The Breslov Center has posted a message from someone looking to collect stories.  The message reads:

I am putting together a book about Gerim and plan to include stories of Gerim who became Chassidim and those who were inspired by Chassidic teachings.

Please contact me if you are interested to have your story included. I am particularly interested to include stories about how Gerim first discovered Yiddishkeit, overcame obstacles during the geirus process, and what attracted them to Chasssidic teachings.


Dov ben Avraham
dovbenavraham@gmail.com

Book Review: EVERY DAY, HOLY DAY

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Every Day, Holy Day: 365 Days of Teachings and Practices from the Jewish Tradition of Mussar  is a recently published book by Alan Morinis (assisted by Rabbi Micha Berger). This book, Alan Morinis’ follow-up to Everyday Holiness, is designed to help one work on various character traits using an extensive collection on inspiriational and insightful quotes for each day of the year. I can’t even imagine all the work that went into collecting the quotes, but I can tell you that there are very few books written in English that give you such teachings at your fingertips.

The book unlocks the teachings of mussar in an easy to use and practical way. I’ve seen improvement in myself from just using it for the past two months.  Each page has a saying that relates to the given character trait of the week, a phrase that summarizes the idea and a practice to help you make each character trait part of your daily life. In addition, each page has space for you to write notes or keep a small journal.  Using the full year cycle, as suggested in the book, one will go through 26 (yes 26) different middos twice and there isn’t a quote/teaching repeated.
In Alan’s first book, Climbing Jacob’s Ladder, he took us on his own personal journey towards mussar that eventually lead him to Rabbi Yechiel Yitzchok Perr, the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva Far Rockaway and personal examples of what he learned while spending time with Rabbi Perr.  Alan’s second book, Everyday Holiness, allowed readers to grow from mussar teaching and focus on “soul traits” (just the collection of footnotes in the book makes it worthwhile reading).  In Every Day, Holy Day Alan has moved from the arena of writing about his own growth and giving over those teachings to the reader.  He has now given his many students and readers an opportunity to work on making themselves better people and make the tradition of Mussar their own!

For the price this book is selling for on Amazon, this is a worthwhile investment for yourself or a great “just because” gift for a friend.

A number of pages are available currenltly on google books, here.
It’s available for puchase here, here, and here.

When the needle hits E

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Monday morning my car wouldn’t start. I know, great way to start my week, right?

There was power in the battery, but the engine just wouldn’t turn over and rev. I called my good friends at AAA and they said that they would be out “as soon as possible”. In the meantime, a friend of mine came by to see if all I needed was a jump. The jump didn’t really do a thing.

After what seemed like forever, a nice new AAA flatbed tow truck pulled up onto my street in Chicago. I had been dreading this, because my thinking was that it was going to be the transmission, alternator, or starter…all fairly top dollar repairs. The driver asked for my keys and got into my vehicle to attempt to start it. After getting the same results that I got, he looked at the gas guage and asked it there was gas in the tank, since the needle was on E. I knew my car had two gallons of gas in it when I parked it. The AAA guy suggested that because my car was parked at the curb on a big slant, it might have been tilted just enough that the fuel pump wasn’t able to to actually pump gas into the engine. AAA had a gallon of gas on them, so they poured it into my tank and, Baruch Hashem, the car started.

This whole episode got me thinking about my Avodash Hashem. A person can have all of the right kavanah, the right seforim, daven every day, learn at set times during the day, fullfull many mitzvos both Bein Adam l’Makom and Bein Adam l”Chavero and still feel that they are not going anywhere. Why? Because just like my car, if everything isn’t balanced the right way, then you don’t get the proper fuel into your engine. This is why we need close friends and a Rabbi, or two, to give us the insight and information that we just don’t have. Sometimes, AAA can also help.

Stopping in the name of love

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Picture from here

On the second day of Sukkos, I stopped saying Kaddish for my father a”h.  It was odd.  That’s really the only way to describe it.  After months of saying Kaddish after Kaddish after Kaddish, it just stopped.  As I sat in shul between mincha and maariv I couldn’t help but think about the passage in Halachic Man, when the Rav describes his father view about the sunset at Ni’elah on Yom Kippur and the halachic change that takes place.  I was moving from being one who is “saying Kaddish” to one who is listening to someone else say Kaddish.

It is a noticable phase of aveilus, sort of that the end of this year is almost over.  Today I davened in a Chol Hamoed minyan organized by the day school that two out of three of our uber-kids attend and there was no one in the minyan saying Kaddish.  I felt a little sad that no one got the opportunity to answer Amen to another’s Kaddish.

Another interesting aveilus-related thing is that I am not going around in a circle during Hoshanos.  As an avel, I am to stay away from any outward simcha, such as the hakafos that we do during Hoshanos.  Missing all of the awesome Simchas Bais HaShoeva events around Chicago is also pretty bunk.  Simchas Torah is also something that I’ve sort of been dreading for the past number of months, since I cannot dance.  I can walk around once per hakafah, but that’s it.  I enjoy dancing, especially with my 5th grade son, but this year I will mostly be a spectator.  This will allow me to learn a bit more than usual (a good thing), but it’s bitter-sweet.  Following Halacha and the answer that I received when I asked a shilah regarding this topic is a challenge.  Not because I am looking to question “authority”, but I know how much of an effect dancing can have on my own body and I appreciate being able to do something that is so physical l’shem mitzvah.

I suppose that I am fortunate to be able to consicously know that I’m exercising my own bechira (free will) by following Halacha.  That, in and of itself, is pretty cool.

R Moshe Weinberger on how to save this generation

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Picture available for purchase here
Rav Moshe Weinberger’s Shabbos Shuva drasha (given after Shabbos) “The Mystery Of Shabbos And Yom Kippur – Whispers Of Existence” (available here for purchase/downloading) was great.  I purchased it last Sunday after Rosh HaShana and have listened to it about 8 times.  What follows is my own transcription of two minutes of drasha, starting at the last 12 minutes.  The two minutes that I’m typing up really show exactly what we need to do to keep Yiddishkeit alive.  I take all responsibility for any mistakes in my transcription and hope that you will purchase the actual mp3.  It’s good to listen to any time of the year and the message is of the upmost importance as we enter Zman Simchasanu and spend three days not tethered to email and cell phones.

The only thing that will save this generation, the secret to saving our generation is not how we can pull out more plugs from more machines. They’re always ahead of us. They always have other machines. And just when you though you could control what the kid is sending with text messages, someone told me last year that the kid can go to the store and get a disposable cell phone, that nobody even knows about. There’s no bill that is ever is ever sent to the house. There’s always some other way. When a person is in this world, there’s always a way.

So they can have a thousand conferences and meetings about “How can you take away the pleasures of the children of this generation?” And if we can take away all their pleasures and make new yeshivas where there’s no sports, no smiling, “Smiling is not allowed”. No laughing, no happiness, no recess. Anybody that is caught wearing or with a smile in the “Kingdom of Sadness” will be banished from the school forever. Which also means that all of the sisters and brothers will never get shiduchim. They think of new way of how to save this generation. There’s only on way. The only way to save this generation, and it’s our responsibility, is to show them that Yiddishkeit is so geschmack, to lift them up to a place that is called “Al Cheit”- higher than that stuff.