Category Archives: Mussar

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos – #4

Respect: Be careful to treat all people with respect- even those with whom you have little in common

Of course, I’m going to treat people with respect. Who wouldn’t?

End of posting.

Wait a minute!! What about when I get angry, upset, short tempered, insulted, overlooked…
I know that when I feel depressed or unhappy with a particular situation in life, I’m fragile. And I know that I’m not the only one. A thoughtless comment here, a negative non-constructive comment about a blog there. It all adds up. Rav Yisrael asks us to be respectful of others. No matter who they are or where we are. I constantly have an opportunity to be a Kiddush Hashem with everyone I meet. I believe Rav Elya Lopian was quoted as saying that the best battlefield for Midos and Derech Eretz is in your home. Those who we are close with are the ones who we must treat with the most respect. To be a tzaddik in the street is easy, it’s being a tzaddik once you kiss the mezzuzah on your front door that is difficult at times.

What about if I’m not too friendly with the other person? Or if we wear different types of yalmukas? Or we call it a kipah instead? Or our kids go to totally different schools? Or this person doesn’t cover their hair? Or they daven in the wrong shul? I could go on, but it’s really not necessary. I guess that’s what Rav Yisrael Salanter meant by “even those with whom you have little in common.” I suppose it wasn’t easy for the father of the mussar movement to engage in dialog with maskilim (followers of the Haskalah). There had to be some common denominator to start off with. There was.
The neshama.
We all have one. At times mine is revealed, at times, sadly, it’s hidden. I find it easy to forget that when I’m interacting with others, I have a chance to interact with them on a level of the neshama, as well. I’ll try to use this idea as a starting point when I speak with people. Especially my own family.

I’ll admit, earlier tonight I made an off hand comment to my wife. It was only a one word comment, but it hurt her. It was not very respectful. She called me on it and I apologized. I hadn’t planned on posting this Midah so soon, but it felt like the right time. Funny… I’ve just incorporated the first four Midos in an on-line confession.

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos – #3

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Determination: Do what you have determined to do. And do it energetically.

The previous midah dealt with doing what has to be done, this is different. This midah is more about actualizing your decisions by following through. How many times have I been staring in the pantry trying to decide what to eat? Plenty. It’s not a life altering decision, yet it feels like it at the time. Making up my mind shouldn’t be so taxing. The most concrete example that comes to mind right now is blogging. Those who commented on the last midah seemed to agree that alacrity is not so easy to come by, yet if you blog then you had to start sometime, didn’t you? I’m not an expert in the cognative aspects of how we make decisions, but I know for myself what I can get out of Rav Yisrael’s teachings.

It really isn’t so difficult for me to make up my mind. I know very well what I should be doing most of the time. I also have a pretty clear idea about where I fall short in my Avodas Hashem. It’s not a big deal for me to accept that I should be learning more, or having more kavana (concentration) during davening, for example. It’s the “do what you have determined to do” part that I get stuck on. One of the reasons I started this Midos exercise was because I was long overdue for a Cheshbon HaNefesh. I’m not as proactive as I should be, but by putting this on the web and giving myself a time-line to finsh all 13 Midos, I feel that it’s an active start.

Doing something “energetically” really means making it happen. To take an idea, a decision, and bring it into this world is a powerful thing. Mostly I use this power to decide what to wear in the morning, or which book to read my kids, but decision making is a true manifestation of our bechirah chofshis (free will). If I want to become close to my creator by emulation, this a great way to do it. To put my kochos (strength) into my decisions is probably more what Rav Yisrael was thinking about, IMHO (wow, I sound like Steve Brizel). The truth is that it’s late and I should go to bed. I have a problem with this also.

“I never thought about whether I could do something, but only about whether I had to do it. And if something must be done, then Hashem will give the means of doing it.” – Rav Yosef Yozel Hurwitz, the Alter of Novorodock (student of Rav Yisrael Salanter)

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- #2

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ALACRITY: NEVER WASTE A SINGLE MOMENT; DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE

I’ll let you in on a secret…it’s taken me a very long time to start this post (feel free to chuckle). As I sit at my keyboard and look at a list I made 15 year ago when I first read about Rav Yisrael’s 13 Midos, this particular midah has haunted me. I know it’s really a simple thing. In my younger years (18-24) I spent hours of hisbodidus, just thinking about this midah. The only conclusion I made is that thinking is useless, if not accompanied action. Nike made a whole campaign of this midah, JUST DO IT. Orchos Tzaddikim says that we learn alacrity from Avraham. Before the Akeida, he “woke up early in the morning” (Bereishis 22:3).

There have been times in my life when I’ve been so energized that I accomplish a multitude of things in record time. And, of course, there have been times when I can’t seem to finish anything. I think, for me, what Rav Yisrael meant by saying “nerver waste a single moment” was that when life or a task is precious to us we don’t want to waste any time. If I appreciate my life, and the opportunities I have (with family, mitzvos, my job, etc.) then why would I want to delay doing a task? There are things in life that I have not finished, goals I need to achieve. It’s the importance that we give to goals that allows us to do things with alacrity. I see this often. If someone asks me to do something for them, like turn off a light or get something at the store, and I don’t follow thru, then I’ve invalidated that person. To them, what they are asking me to do is important, so why wouldn’t I never waste a single moment. It’s not just doing things at the right time, it’s having an energy about me when I do it. “Whistle while you work.” The importance and passion that I ascribe to what’s important to me has an effect on others.

When it comes to doing what has to be done, it’s all about priorities. It can be dishes in the sink, papers on your desk, laundry, the leaves in the back yard, which emails to check first. Somethings are clearly not as important to do as others. Again, it’s not just about me. I can’t delay helping someone else. A true chessed for another towers over a cup of coffee. To miss an opportunity to do an act of kindness for another person is a waste of a single moment also. Especially my spouse (and I feel I often miss those opportunies. And no, I didn’t just type this because my wife occasionally reads Modern Uberdox). Do what has to be done, could have been the motto of Rav Yisrael (or anyone else who has accomplished something). He saw a need to counter the influence of the German Haskallah movement in Russia and the result was the Mussar movement. If I can internalize the approach of doing what has to be done with excitement and without delay, I know I will see a visible improvement in myself and that’s a good start.

Rav Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos- #1

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I had some time over Shabbos to read something I honestly hadn’t looked at for a number of years, Rabbi Yisrael Salanter’s Iggeres HaMussar, most recently translated by Rabbi Zvi Miller. I didn’t get very far before I came across this:
Our Sages, of blessed memory, state (Yoma 9b): “Why was the First Temple destroyed? Because of the follow three sins that occurred there: idol worship, immorality, and murder. Yet, in the period of the Second Temple, they were involved in Torah study, mitzvos, and acts of kindness-so why was it destroyed? As a result of the baseless hatred that was there. Rebbi Yochanan and Rebbi Eliezer both said, ‘Since concerning the First Temple, their trangressions were revealed-their time of redemption was revealed. In the Second Temple, where their sins were not revealed-their time of redemption was not revealed.’”

I must admit, it got me thinking. With the three weeks approaching, where was I holding in terms of my bein adam le chaveiro? I know the answer, I’ve got room for improvement. Today I saw a rusty gear. I connected to it. I know that I need to be moving in a certain direction, but when one slacks off in midos managment, one gets rusty. I quickly thought of Yisrael Salanter’s 13 Midos (strongly influenced by Benjamin Franklin). I thought it might do me some good to write a little about them. My goal is to have all the postings finished by Tisha B’Av. Heads Up: This is not directed at anyone, except myself. Like the intro to Mesillas Yesharim, I’m not writing anything that people don’t know. In fact, one of the amazing things about Rav Yisrael, was that the whole Mussar movement really was just to give emphasis to aspects of Yiddishkeit that had become commonplace for most people. That’s real the gadlus of his 13 Midos. Each one is directed toward the self, yet key for our relationship with others. I’ll start of briefly, with the first one:

Truth: Never speak a word unless your heart can testify to its truth
The first thought that comes to mind is how often do I put my heart into what I say? Rav Yisrael doesn’t say “never speak a word unless you can prove what you say”, he says that one’s heart has to be able to testify that what we say is emes. One must be passionate when one talks. I need to be alive when I say something and I need to give over that passion. Obviously the first step is to be truthful to yourself, then to others. Based on this first midah, our heart serves as a witness to what we say and who we say it to.

I know mussar isn’t a favorite topic for most of us, but comments are welcome.

A Matter of Perspective

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Menuchas HaNefesh, Yishuv HaDaas, Reframing… it really doesn’t matter what title we use… the bottom line is that at times we need to put thing into perspective.
I learned this lesson when I was in 6th grade. Not in school or on the playground, but from “Return of the Jedi”. Straight from George Lucas’ script…
“BEN: Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”

Later I learned that Rashi said it first in Parsha Shelach about the Meraglim viewing themselves as grasshoppers. Most recently on Father’s Day I forgot all that I learned from the above.

My wife planned the perfect father’s day for me. I got a photo cube to put on my desk at work (retro, but cool), a great breakfast, a trip with my family and brother (who was visiting us from NYC) to both a nature museum and a zoo, met up with some close friends who were in town, and then home for some pizza. I was aware the entire day that my family loves and appreciates me. I felt blessed that I didn’t work on Sundays. I was happy to be living somewhere with an excellent quality of life for myself and my family.
As we walked into our home, I noticed something that bothered me. I let it bother me too much, and my fantasitc day was totally wiped from my personal hard-drive. All the fun and good times were out the door.

How often do we get caught up on things that really don’t matter? I know for myself, even once, is one time too many. Someone doesn’t say hello to you in shul, you can’t find your car keys, a toy is left on the floor, the bakery sold the last chocolate cream pie, or you get a stain on your shirt while drinking something that’s not on your diet to begin with. Of couse, none of this is from personal experience. 🙂

I remember hearing in yeshiva, and then reading years later in the Rav Dessler biography about Rav Eliyahu Lopian. The story goes that he was once in Yerushayim waiting for a bus. As he sat with a sefer, he stopped learning for a second and looked up to see if the bus was coming. He told the bachur sitting with him that had he still been in Kelm, he would have gotten an hour long mussar shmooze. Why? Because looking to see if a bus is coming doesn’t make it come any faster! To get distracted from learning to look for a bus? What’s the point? You are in control of yourself, not in control of the bus.

Of course, I only remembered this story two days after Father’s Day. I was biking tonight, trying to clear my head and gather my thoughts. I was hoping, somehow, to gain a better perspective on things. Not the big things like family, work, tuition, summer camp, bills, shopping for Shabbos, or even what to wear tomorrow. I’m working on trying to gain a better perspective on the little things that shouldn’t bother me, but do. Zeh Lo Chashuv, right? What’s one thing that bothers you (that’s really not so important)?

I looked at my wife tonight, and thought, “Father’s Day, hah. What a joke. The real star is her. She puts up with me, deals with the kids, and navigates each of life’s ordeals with a calmness not seen by many.” I wish I could be more like her.

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The Mussar from a Haircut
Wecome to my first entry.
I got my pre-Pesach haircut yesterday. As a newcomer to Chicago, someone recommended a gentleman in my neighborhood, West Rogers Park. I walked in, sat down, and we started talking. He told me he gives haircuts to alot of orthodox people. In fact, he’s cut hair for 3 years olds, post-upsherin, (inlcuding kids that belong to some of my closest friends. Well, after the cut was finished, he held up the mirror, so I could take a look at the final product. “Now you look like a mentch. Of course, it’s not hard to look like a mentch, is it?” he said.

I was stunned. You know, he’s right. He’s never learned in cheder or opened a copy of Mesilas Yesharim. In fact, my new barber isn’t Jewish. This man who sees frum Jews 5 days a week for a living touched on a cornerstone of my Hashkafa. Acting like a Mentch is just as, if not more, important than looking like a Mentch. Klal Yisroel seems to have forgotten this. Just look at what happened last week in Boro Park. Or look at the person in the grocery store fighting with some for as space in line (especially before Pesach). What happened to being a Mentch Yisroel (for the Rav Hirsh fans reading this)?

My conversation at the barbershop sent me back in time almost 16 years ago. I was at YU and it was right after Lag B’Omer. Like everyone else it was time for haircut. I walked a few blocks and found a place that seemed off the beaten path. I had been sitting in the barber’s chair for about 2 minutes when in came Rabbi Dovid Lifshitz, Z”TL, the Suvalker Rav, and his shamash.
Reb Dovid, as he was known, sat next to me, and I froze. I had seen him around YU, heard about him, but never had any contact with someone of his caliber. “Nice day for a haircut”, he said. He then proceeded to ask me my name, where I was from, what brought me to YU, etc. He was interested in who I was. He didn’t mention anything about himself, except introducing himself to me as one of the teachers at YU.

Acting like a Mentch is just as, if not more, important than looking like a Mentch. My barber knew this, and Reb Dovid embodied it. What can we do to promote this lost yesod of yiddishkeit?