I am my own worst enemy

 

drown quote-Cole

I don’t like having to accept or digest that truth that I am, at times, my own worst enemy. It’s uncomfortable for me to hear that truth. It’s even more difficult when I know it myself and don’t take steps to change. Were it not Elul (the month prior the Jewish High Holiday and my tradition sees the month as a time of introspection) I probably would have dismissed this truth. Had I not been actively working on specific middos (character traits) for the past 32 days and also been actively keeping a cheshbon hanefesh (a spiritual accounting) I would have blown off the notion that I am my own worst enemy when I hold myself back. I’m drowning and it’s my fault. I’ve been saying this for the past day, but seeing it typed sort of makes it official. The reality is that it is Elul and if there was ever a time for me to be receptive, then this is the time, baby.

It not easy. The person who carried this message to me is someone that wants what is best for me. Being presented with the opportunity to absorb this truth is sort of a “make it or break it” thing. It’s not a “flight or fight” thing because fleeing from knowing that I’m my own worst enemy means simply lying to myself. Accepting this means only one thing…action. No excuses, rationalizations, or verbal attempts to circumvent reality. Accepting that I am the only one that can take action to change myself (with Hashem’s help) mean also accepting that all isn’t great in Neilville. Using the term connotative dissonance or simply attributing this lack of action to not seeing enough Nike ads (“Just Do It.” doesn’t stop pain of realizing what I need to really change. It’s got nothing to do specific mitzvos (commandments) or middos or my yetzer hora (evil inclination). It’s about connecting both with who I really am and with my creator. I know this not because it was told to me or it was something that I read. I know, but of tears. When we cry it’s either because of joy and not having the proper words to express that joy or it’s because of sadness. A sadness that a person has when their heart is broken. Not broken my someone they love, but broken because they realize they need help and they realize that the path they took wasn’t the right one. The decisions they made only pushed them farther from their potential. Maybe this resonates with someone, I don’t know. What I know is that it’s from the heart.

“There is nothing as whole, or as perfect, as a broken heart.” – Menachem Mendel of Kotzk, the Kotzker Rebbe

If a heart is broken then how can it be whole? Because once we have a broken heart then we can see what is needed to mend it.  Like the tagline at the end of the old G.I. Joe cartoons, “…and knowing is half the battle.” When I know my deficiencies, my weak points, and the root of them (in this case, holding myself back from what needs to be done), then I’m able to see the actions that can repair things. This makes a broken heart whole. This gets you to swim so that you don’t drown.

5 thoughts on “I am my own worst enemy

  1. Bob Miller

    Despite the emotion of the moment, make sure to try to be as objective as you can. You don’t want to slip into an unproductive sadness. Recognize your good points, too. These give you the potential to improve.

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  2. Moishela fresh off the press

    BS”D
    Discussion with Moishela (with his family)
    A Handicapped child
    16 Elul 5774 (Sept 10, ’14)

    I Have Been Given Permission to Reveal to you Future Events

    Oy Mommy, Oy Tatti, what can I tell you? I’m sorry that I have made you in the last few weeks a little bit unnerved, but I must admit that the world is changing at the speed of sound, and from day to day or from minute to minute, we don’t know what’s going to be. We used to live in a world that was at least semi organized. We could predict, sometimes anyway, what the next day or the next minute might bring. Today we are all confused, never knowing where another tragedy, Shelo Naida, another bang will come from. Tatti, Mommy, the next few weeks are going to be very, very frightening. The next few weeks will be full of changes that will make our heads spin, changes all over the world, frightening changes and also frightening happenings.

    By the time we get to Rosh Hashana we are going to all be in a somber mood, a mood for Davening very hard, for begging Hashem to save us and declaring Him our King. So we must prepare ourselves not to be too blown away by the happenings of the near future and always remember the only way to steady ourselves and keep ourselves in a state that we can overcome spiritually and physically the times to come, is by holding on to Hakodosh Boruch Hu, so-to-speak, holding on to the rope, spiritual rope that connects us Am Yisroel to our Creator. So as I said, in the next few weeks until Rosh Hashana there will be amazing new news for all of us, for the whole world and there will be news that people will not understand. They will stand and wonder what in the world is going on, but as time goes on we will realize what the plan of the evil ones really is.

    After Rosh Hashana during the Aseres Yimei Teshuva will be a time of gathering our strengths together and crying to Hashem like we have never cried before. By the time that Yom Kippur comes around, I’m afraid that our tears might have been spent already from worrying what’s going to be, and we will try to squeeze out a few more in order to try to save ourselves. By the time Succos comes we will be quite worn out for our efforts, and I believe that Succos, at least for a short time, will bring a semblance of balance, a semblance of joy in the Yom Tov, but Simchas Torah will bring us back to the cruel reality, and we will dance with the Torah with tears in our eyes. We will hold the Torah close to us so it can’t separate from us, so we won’t separate from it. We will dance and we will dance and we will beg Hashem through our dancing to always keep us close to Him, and we will keep the Torah close to us, and when Simchas Torah is over the real wars will begin.

    Am Yisroel you know that there is something in my words. In the last two or three years you have seen such crazy tragic things happening. We know that the world has become an insane asylum and as Harav Dessler put it the people taking care of the inmates are the inmates themselves. So it’s a world of the mentally ill. There are some Jews which do try to separate themselves from the Sheker, from the lie and on those few Jews the world of the Geula Shelaima will be built by Hashem. We Am Yisroel must hold on and never let go.

    We will go farther. After Succos, Simchas Torah the world will become so so different, so horribly different that it will be absolutely unrecognizable. The only thing we will recognize is our Kesher with Hashem. The only thing that will be real will be our Kesher with Hashem, His Torah, and His Mitzvos.

    Am Yisroel, the ones in Chutz Laretz, the ones outside of Eretz Yisroel, pack your bags if you can. Pack your bags and come. Do so. It’s not an Aveirah. Coming to Eretz Yisroel is a great Zechus, but don’t come if you don’t really want to go higher in your Yiddishkeit. Don’t come just to save your lives, because it won’t work. You have to believe, believe that Hashem is Hakol Yachol. Ain Od Milvado. You have to believe it with all your heart and your soul. You have to believe that there is nothing greater than our Torah. You have to believe that Moshiach is going to come and there is going to be Techias Hameisim and you have to believe in every single one of the Yud Gimmel Ikrim. You must believe in that. That is your ticket to eternity. You must with all your heart and soul believe in it.

    After Simchas Torah there is going to be a giant Birur and that Birur is going to be very hard, but it won’t be hard for those who understand the Truth, for those who cling to Hashem, for those who cling to the Truth. It won’t be hard. So please Am Yisroel please, please if you feel up to it, if you feel that you want to rise spiritually, come to Eretz Yisroel, not Medinas Yisroel, that’s going to fall very soon, but Eretz Yisroel, come to Eretz Yisroel, and even though it could be very difficult and even though you don’t know where you are going to live and even though you don’t know where your income will come from, still you are better off here than there if you truly want to be close to Hashem. If you truly want, for spiritual reasons to come close to Hakodosh Boruch Hu, to actually greet Moshiach Tzidkainu then come to Eretz Yisroel now. Anyone with Gashmiusdik ideas about the Geula, forget it. Stay where you are.

    I also want to reiterate that every Jewish soul will be saved. Every Jewish soul that stood at Har Sinai and said Na’ase Venishma, we will do and we will say, every Jewish soul will be saved. Hashem will make sure that even if a Jew thinks he doesn’t accept Emes, in the end he will. Hashem will force him to accept Emes, and he will become a great believer, but he will suffer on the way, but those who are close already, those who believe with all their hearts and souls in Hakol Yachol, in Hakodosh Boruch Hu, in the Ribbono Shel Olam, they will not have difficulties almost at all. It might be frightening to see what’s happening, but they themselves will not suffer. So Am Yisroel, we are coming to Rosh Hashana. Please do Teshuva. Please do Teshuva now. Get your heads straight. Get your minds on the right things. Teach your children how to react when the terrible wars really start. They have started already, but the really bad part is soon to come. Teach your children how to hold on to Hashem. Teach your children what reality is, what the Geula Shelaima means, what the Bais Hamikdosh means, what the Korbanos mean. Teach them not to be afraid because Hashem is Hakol Yachol. He took us out of Mitzrayim, which was an amazing, amazing Ness, and He will take us out of this terrible, terrible Golus and bring us to the Geula Shelaima.

    I want to tell you something else Mommy and Tatti. I love you all very much. I know how much you are doing for me and how you care for me. I know I sometimes make you both a bit upset with my moods. I go a bit crazy myself with the double life that I have been living. One part of my life, a little boy with little boy needs, and the other part of my life I am a greater person a much more adult person. So please I ask you Mechila for anything I have done to make it difficult for you and tell you how much I appreciate how you’ve taken care of me, and how I imagine you will continue to take care of me up to when Moshiach comes. At that time I won’t need your help anymore, Be’ezras Hashem. I know that very soon we are going to see the Truth. So don’t get discouraged and don’t get taken down. Just know that all of our troubles are going to disappear and really you shouldn’t be worried about all these things that are happening in the house, buying and selling apartments, taking care of me, and all the other grandchildren who have this problem, that problem, or the other problem, or my aunts and my uncles that have all kinds of problems. Just know that it’s almost over, almost over.

    To Am Yisroel I want to tell you that when we come to Chanukah we are going to have very great spiritual happenings that will remind us of the Maccabim, that will remind us of our greatness, will remind us of our Bais Hamikdosh, even though we will be very frightened and we will be such a tiny little group surrounded by huge amounts of wild people with terrible weapons, but still our hearts will be full of joy because we will feel again what the Maccabim felt even though we will be terribly afraid. It will seem impossible to ever get out of that situation, but Hashem will help us and we will, and after that will come Asara B’teves and we will mourn like we never mourned before. We will cry and beg like we never did on Tisha B’av, beg and beg Hashem to rebuild our Bayis our Bais Hamikdosh, and not let the Goyim do the most outlandish thing of destroying the Dome of the Rock and instead building Chas Veshalom there a temple to the Avodah Zorah of their new Religion Chas Vesholom, Yemach Shemam Vezichram. That is their plan to build on top of Har Hamoriah, Har Habayis a temple to the Avodah Zorahs, the worst Avodah Zorahs.

    Then we will come to Purim and we will beg Hashem to save us from Haman and we will have a Haman here, a Haman that we will have to be saved from and we will have to fight, fight our fears, beg Hashem to save us from this awful terrible horrific person and his armies and his police. We will have to beg very hard. Hashem will save us.

    He will save us, and then will come Pesach and we will be a tattered bunch of tired people when we sit around the Seder table, with Matzoh and wine miraculously provided for us by Hashem and we will beg Hashem to save us. We will beg Hashem. We will beg Hashem to bring the Geula Shelaima. On Shvii Shel Pesach we will hear the Shofar. We will hear the Shofar and on Leil Haseder each house will see Eliyahu Hanavi, all the Jews that are Emesdik will see him and it will give us strength, but it still won’t be the time of redemption. I can’t go on farther than that to explain, but when we see Eliyahu Hanavi we will know that very soon this terribly long Golus will be over, and we will be finally free. From that moment on, there will be more and greater wars. There will be false prophets and false messiahs, but we will hold on to Hakodosh Boruch Hu and to the seed of Dovid Hamelech, to our Moshiach Tzidkainu, our true Moshiach. He will reveal himself and we Motzai Shviis will walk into the Bais Hamikdosh and be Makriv Korbonos and be happy and be dancing with the greatest joy ever felt in the whole world, even though around us two thirds of the world will have been destroyed, and very few Yidden and even fewer Goyim will survive.

    I have been given permission to reveal to you these future events in order to give Am Yisroel strength and courage to get through these very difficult times. I beg Am Yisroel from the bottom of my heart to feel that every Jew is responsible for the other Jew. Every true Jew feels responsibility for another Jew, feels that he wants to do Chessed for another Jew. That’s how you know he’s really a Jew. I love Am Yisroel so much that just saying it makes me cry, and I beg you please make it easy on yourselves. Come back to Hashem. Take away the Gashmius which is so senseless, all the toys, all the adult stupid toys, all the videos, all the things that make us waste our time and instead put our efforts into growing spiritually. The best way to grow spiritually is when times are difficult. We don’t want times to be difficult, but we must use the future hard times to help us grow. Please let us put our hearts and our souls and our strength, into growing even though around us will be death and destruction. Please keep growing. Please keep coming closer and closer to Hakodosh Boruch Hu.

    Q: Do we have to be afraid of the ISIS?
    A: That group of murderers were created by the Reshoim to frighten the world. They have no real tangible strength. It’s all a farce and the Europeans definitely don’t want them around and probably will try to get rid of them as fast as possible. However they will go underground and they will cause destruction in the world because they as individuals can blow up hundreds of places in Europe, America, not only the Mideast. As an army they aren’t an army. They are just a group of vicious people. They are using the scare tactics of chopping peoples’ heads off, Lo Aleinu, or murdering them in other terrible ways to make people afraid, but don’t pay attention to them. It’s all not something real. Yes people are killed and they are very vicious, but they have no strength and Hashem will destroy them.

    There is nothing to add right now. I’m giving you kind of a preview. Up to now we the autistics, have written many things and they’ve all come true, however, we never really gave a timeframe because people still had to schlep through many years without this kind of Chizuk. There was no point in giving a timeframe, because people would say, “Oh well we still have ten years, so let’s just party until then. We have time to do Teshuvah!” There’s no time now, so let’s do it now now, now!

    There is one more thing I want to say. In the next near future the State of Israel, the Medina is going to crumble. It’s already crumbling from its own decadence. That is what’s going to happen IY”H. Very soon the chaos is going to rage here until the Goyim take over. Then Moshiach will take control from the Goyim and the Geula Shelaima will begin Be’ezras Hashem.

    I don’t have anything else to discuss now.

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  3. The 10th Song

    The idea that “I am my own worst enemy” is totally not true according to the Torah. And if you are telling yourself that then definitely sadness is going to follow. The yetzer hara is a person’s worst enemy and it has many, many, many disguises. You are not your yetzer hara but if you think a thought like “I am my own worst enemy” and believe it then you can be sure you are taking your yetzer hara’s advice. My suggestion is to stop telling yourself that and to pursue getting clear on who you are and who you are not. Rav Ithamar Schwartz is good place to start and so is a workshop that teaches the practical applications of his works called Yashar. Email info@bilvavi.net and ask for info about Yashar.

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  4. Moishela from Israel

    BS”D
    Discussion with Moishela (with his family)
    A Handicapped child
    3 Cheshvan 5775 (Oct 26, ’14)

    http://www.dani18.com/uploads/MSL-C1.pdf

    “The Noose Is Getting Tighter”

    The world has absolutely gone mad, absolutely mad. Murder, accidents, weather related deaths, riots, plagues, Mamash a very scary world. Every day something new. Every day something more bloody. Every day more and more deaths. Every day we become more and more frightened.

    The noose is getting tighter and tighter around us, and the worst part about it is that no one seems to feel it except a very few. Very few people feel it at all. Either they don’t want to feel it so they ignore it, or they are really in some very strong daze or under some kind of drug that keeps them from seeing what is happening. It doesn’t even have to be medication, although I would imagine that in the western world at least 50% of the people are on some kind of psychiatric medication. They drug themselves on Gashmius on materialism so they won’t know, so they won’t feel, so they won’t be afraid. What is happening is frightening because the world is beginning to feel the effects of being ruled by a group of absolute maniacs, of people that are evil to their bone. They are planning crazy things and thinking they can get away with it, thinking that they can turn the world into their private domain, that they can take the Jewish people and turn them into Goyim. Their greatest goal that they want to achieve is they want to destroy, to kill nine-tenths of the world population. What can I tell you? We Yidden are being targeted. Our faith is being targeted, and we must, must come back to Hashem in order to stop it.

    I have dreams, I have such frightening dreams every night. I see cities being blown up. I see all kinds of terrible things happening. I see wild men killing and plundering. I see planes shooting and bombing. I see people dying of thirst and hunger, and I cry and I cry. I am so nervous and so afraid, not for myself – for my family and for Am Yisroel, how terrible, how terrible. I’m not even giving you the details of what I see but it’s very very frightening! I don’t know how to pass on to my fellow Jews through what I am writing, the difficult things we still have to face.

    How can I beg? How can I plead with Am Yisroel to open their eyes, to get rid of the Gashmius, to stop looking like street people, to start looking again like Yidden, to start acting again like Yissen? I’m talking to the Frum. What else can I say to you? What else can I do? If you read over everything I’ve said to this point, you should already be doing Teshuva in the strongest way, but I see in the streets that people are buying and buying things that are not necessary. I see that they are making fancy parties and fancy Chasunas and things that are not necessary. I see and I feel that children are growing up to love, to lust after Gashmius. I see how we are eating like gluttons, but have become very very weak in our Mitzvos and it makes me cry. Now we are facing the most horribly difficult time in history and we’re messing around with nonsense.

    What can I say? What can I do? I’m only a young person with an old head and an old heart, but I can tell you this: you better straighten up fast. You better get your act together because the suffering is going to be unbelievable if not, and if you take yourself in hand then you can save yourself so much suffering, so much misery. Do you understand? People, do you understand? You can save yourselves so much suffering, but if not it will be unimaginable suffering. I’m begging you. I’m begging you. Put your trust in Hashem not in people, not in science, not in chief rabbis, or in heads of state. Put your trust only in Hashem, only in Hashem, only in Hashem. We have to be like the Yidden that left Mitzrayim and spent forty years in the desert. We have to be like that. We have to have that kind of trust of Hashem without question, no matter what happens, no questions asked. We must know in our hearts and our souls that it’s all for our good, it’s to help us go higher, to help us reach the next stage of Creation which is Olam Habah of Moshiach Tzidkainu, and our journey upwards, to total salvation, to completely become one with Hashem. That’s what I have to say.

    I’m afraid that my words have become useless because people have become used to listening to them, even though they are harsh and they are strong and people see around them terrible things happening, but they are getting used to it. They want their Gashmius more than they want to listen. So I will say a few more

    sentences to make sure you understand. Please, please do Teshuva. Change your way of life. Become Tzniusdik, (dressing modest) the men and the women. Trust Hashem in everything. Don’t go looking outside of your Daled Amos for the Yeshua. The Yeshua is only with Hashem, only with Hashem. In the near future we are going to witness very bloody happenings, very frightening and very bloody. Here in Eretz Yisroel there will be more riots and more trouble, but in Chutz La’aretz it will be really bad, really bad.

    Between now and Chanukah we are going to have a rush of incidents all over the world, that will put great fear into most of the population of the world. You won’t know where to look first, up, down, left, right. Everywhere there will be trouble big big trouble. Hashem is trying to show us that the inevitable must be and that means that we are coming very close to the Geula Sheleima, and the hardest part of this birth is now and therefore you can either have an easy birth or a very difficult one. It’s your choice.

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